Sunday, February 5, 2012

Paper Pregnant

In addition to the 3am pee breaks, puking at the smell of food whenever I had an empty belly, and the waddle... pregnancy also made me very emotional.

I remember hubby laughing at me when I cried for 15 minutes straight when a girl's Father forgot to pick her up at the airport in some dumb teeny bopper movie I was watching. He still laughs about it. I can't say I blame him... it was a silly movie.

 Hallmark commercials had me purchasing ownership in Kleenex and investing in waterproof mascara.

I don't know if this is a normal part of the adoption process... but lately I feel like a walking hormone! This last month alone... I must cry like 4 times a day. It's crazy. Nowhere is safe... in the shower, at my desk, in the car, at hockey games... any time, any place. Any one thing can trigger a cry fest... exactly like when I was pregnant!

My sister and I had been having a conversation online about what we could do make/raise/come up with more money for this adoption and how I have turned into an emotional wreck.

I don't think she would mind if I shared her response with you...

I can tell that today is a hard one for you. Where there is a will there is a way, and you have will like no one I know. I have a few (fundraising) ideas just trying to get some details and on them, then I will share.

You are emotional because you care so much for your child. Even though you haven't met her or even know if she is yet born, you care about her just as much as you do for the ones you have in your arms now. It will happen just have FAITH.

I think she hit the nail on the head. I don't know who our child is. I don't even know her age, her name, or what she looks like. What I do know though is that she will one day be my daughter. I will love her like mad and won't be able to fathom life without her.

When you are pregnant, your love grows daily for the little one growing in your belly. When you are paper pregnant, your love grows daily for the little growing in your heart.

Somewhere, she is out there. I hope until I am able to hold her, calm her fears and dry her tears - that someone else is holding her tight and whispering in her ear, telling her she is loved, cherished and that everything will be okay.
 (... and here we go... *sob, *sob)

Where there is will - there is a way. Adoption is never easy... after a 2 year battle with it, I think I can cut myself some slack and allow myself the freedom to exhale before I get back on my horse. I know I can't be a pillar of strength 100% of the time and I need to learn to nurture my inner self every once in awhile.... and buy more Kleenex.

Just as any pregnant Mother, a deep love courses through my veins for a child that I haven't even met. She is worth fighting for, and crying for. I just hope this is a short phase in the process, and not something that lasts until 'delivery'.


Anna said...

That sounds cute to me. Being paper-pregnant. :) But I'm positive (have I even read it somewhere?) that soon-to-be adoptive moms also actually produce some hormones similar to those that come along pregnancy. As we can read you are very much in your mind and in your heart waiting for your baby and a human body is an amazing thing, so there's no doubt in my mind that your hormone-tears are very real.

I do hope that the worst of it is just a phase, though, hang in there. :-*

'Jo' said...

Anna - I looked into this, and you are right. They say it is more common in women who have had real pregnancies.
So perhaps I am not crazy afterall! Before you know it, I'll be lactating!

'Jo' said...
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Sylvie and Victor said...

Love your post! What you are experiencing is totally normal. Once you get the referral, you will cry even more. Before we got our referral for Kyanne, I had tears in my eyes every time I passed by the airport.... I went by it every day to go to work. I knew that one day; I would be arriving with my baby girl in my arms. I honestly think that being paper pregnant is more emotional. There is so much unknown and uncertainty that it makes it that much more difficult to deal with it. Each month when we got our monthly update, I cried at my desk at work for a good half hour.

'Jo' said...

Awwww! I can imagine the referral will bring on a whole new set of tears... oh my. Just like the ultrasound... Thank goodness I don't have long to wait after the referral!

Allison said...

I just came across your blog and was reading this post. I don't think I've seen the pain of being paper pregnant put into such poignant words! We have been in the adoption process for almost 5 years now. There are days when I wonder why I weep, why my heart aches so much for children I have never met - your words are so true. We so deeply love the child or children we have never met just as much as a mother growing a child inside her. Thanks for putting words to the heartache.


'Jo' said...

Oh Allison, I am sorry that your journey has taken so long. I hope there is an end in sight for you soon, and all the pain slips away as the joy rushes in! xoxo

Tracy said...

I agree with Allison .... This is a beautiful post ... So true and real. We are paper pregnant together J. ... Waiting for our Kenyan children ... Its makes my heart ache every day ... The yearning ... The anticipation of the future with our additional children.
Next Valentines Day ... They will love the party at school and all the candy (ugh! Lol)
Oh, they are going to love playing in the snow with the boys .. I hope .... Hopefully we can bundle them enough and they will love it :) ....
Celebrating birthdays , holidays , EVERY day .... With the children and the love for them that has grown in our hearts for so long!
I get it!
I agree completely!