I received the "sign"... the "you'll know"... the "you'll have a feeling."
I have been weighing on the fence of what US agency to contract with. I was starting to consider FRC (Family Resource Centre) in Chicago. The directors were wonderful to speak with. They are always available and return emails very quickly. Something lacking from the last agency I was considering. They are also much more affordable. BUT. They have only placed 1 - ONE - UNO - baby since the Hague! The Executive director told me himself for whatever reason, they don't seem to have much luck placing in Canada. I was very concerned and hesitant to go any further because of this. Was it for lack of Canadian clients, or was it lack of the enthusiasm etc. with which the social workers represented Canadians? Perhaps, because this agency is pro open adoption (which we are)... maybe they are recommending local families?
I was told there is 4 Canadian clients. So I went on the hunt for them. I found 3 of them. The third, I met online Wednesday night. A very sweet woman and her husband who had been active clients since December. However... they weren't without their own challenges as a potential adoptive family. Just as we have a challenge that may set us back from many other applicants because we have 2 bio children. Their challenge, was they would have been considered on the older age range. So, not only do they have the "Canadian" challenge, but they are older applicants. Their profile had been shown a few times, but they had to compete with a dozen others.
Yesterday, after passing a few emails back and forth. She sent me an email that I could literally feel the vibrations from - in fact I still get goosebumps when I read it. "I do believe in miracles now..." They were not only matched! but to an infant that was already born! an infant that looks just like her husband! and papers were signed a couple hours later! No. Kidding!
To go from the helplessness of wondering if this is ever going to happen for you - to having a baby instantly. It is a miracle!... and it my sign. With less than 24 hours of meeting this woman... she received a miracle and was kind enough to share it with me!
Her experience has taught me that we absolutely have just as great of a chance at being chosen with this agency than a US client. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be! Hooray for this new family, and thank goodness I have found my "peace"!
Things are progressing ... little by little... slowly. I presented my director with the course that I found. It is put on the AFABC and is called AEP Self Study Plus. It is a new program, started on the 1st of this month. The next session is full, but there is room in the April session. My director is reviewing this with the executive director. I presented this to her on Tuesday - I am hoping she gets back to me by today the end of this week. The other option I presented is what the Adoption Centre does for their interior clients - they hire a local social worker to do the course with the client. I must say it is nice of these agencies to have some consideration for the clients who do live in the interior and make an effort to accomodate them. I hope my agency will do the same.
On the other side of the coin, one of the US agencies I have been speaking with has said that they could start presenting my profile to parents who are due after my expected home study completion. This is awesome! But... I am treading lightly. Knowing by now - not to get my hopes up. I have to make sure this is the right agency! They only placed 3 in Canada last year and they have yet to get back to me with my other questions. She did say that they only have 7 families who are willing to accept an African American baby. But I need confirmation on this as well as a few other things. The other hurdle is the next set of fees $11k! to be presented. I am currently working on my dossier while we figure out what pocket we are going to be pulling that out of!
Considering adoption from the US, has invoked a new wave of feelings. In the US process, a family needs to create a family profile, or dear Birth Mom letter - which is essentially a marketing tool to show a birth mom what kind of life you would provide her unborn child. Families spend thousands of dollars to have their profiles professionally done, websites created, advertising spots on adoption websites, and even 1 800 numbers! It is a tight market!
As a mother who has been fortunate enough to have the option of adoption, and has not had to to struggle through the painful world of infertility - I feel like the fat kid in the candy store. It's a world that I sometimes feel like I don't belong in, with a prize that I am not deserving of. Everyone automatically assumes that even despite our bio children, we have fertility issues. Most of the time, I won't interrupt to correct them because I am well aware that they likely struggle or have struggled with those issues. When I do correct them, or mention it, I feel like I'm rubbing it in their face or that they will perceive me as someone who is not deserving of adoption.
Most profiles go on to describe a couple's challenges with fertility and medical issues... painting a highly deserving situation. You can't help but feel for them. Heck, some of them make me feel like handing over a child! lol. Then there is our profile. I skip right on past that topic, not even mentioning our motivation for adoption... pretending like the question will never be posed, and hoping it never will.
I was advised by a US agency to market our profile on the internet at various sites. I just can't bring myself to do that. I feel like I haven't earned my stripes to be up there next to everyone else - trying to sell myself to a potential birth mom. What would I say? White family seeks black child, or biracial - for reasons of we don't want to add to the burden of the worlds population, and because we feel this is the right thing to do to expand our family...?
What if a Caucasian birth mom chose us? I would feel terrible because there are so many couples without children who have been waiting years for a healthy Caucasian baby that would look like them. Color does not matter to me, I am open to a child of color... and would rather go that direction for the simple fact that there are not many adopted parents who will.
While trying to make sense of my new found sense of "guilt"... I googled. I went looking to see if I was the only one in the world without medical reasons etc. trying to adopt.
Then I found this article... which could not have explained any more to the point of exactly what I feel!
I have to quote one of the comments that a reader left behind.
"Adoption is not primarily for infertile couples any more than water is primarily for recovering alcoholics."
I love it!
It's interesting to look back and see how exactly things have changed. One year ago I was devastated by the photos of the Haiti orphans and felt compelled to try to adopt a Haitian child. Haiti was closed, and in my research I became interested in Ethiopia. Ethiopia was wait listed for a year - so I added my name and then actively tried to pursue US facilitators to help me. Obviously, nothing came out of it - however, I was damn determined. Then I sat, waited and followed the stories of many others in the process. Before too long, I decided to just "look" into other African countries to see what was available. Lesotho and Rwanda were 2 places that I seriously considered, but for various reasons they never worked out either. Then I fell in love with a photolisting of twin girls in DRC. DRC was a new program and they were taking new clients - so we jumped on the wagon and started our home study. Eventually along the way, my excitement has dwindled for this program. For many reasons; travel to the country is unsafe and we would not be able to bring our children, I ponder the longevity of the program and am afraid that it could very close at any time, and if I was still willing to push my way through - our agency is not accepting clients to the program for 5 months +. So, I slowly dip my toes into the US adoption pool, and little by little, I am warming up to it.
One year ago, an adoptive Mother suggested that I just save myself the trouble and adopt a black baby from the US. I was appalled. Really, I was offended. All I could think was - "Is that what you think this is?... I am looking for an accessory to my wardrobe? My focus is not narrowed to "wanting a black child", I am wanting to adopt an African orphan. Yes, I want another child, and want to add to my family - but I can kill 2 birds with one stone and save an orphan!" I love Africa, and I love the people of Africa... I fell in love with them years ago... My plight was about helping Africa, having a connection to Africa, travelling to Africa, re-visiting and volunteering. How quickly that was swept away from me.
MOWA in Ethiopia has just reduced adoption case processing by 90%! This is a huge amount! I hope for all of the families that are involved, that this is corrected quickly! However, whether it does or not - it is a testament to the instability in the program. There have been so many crazy changes over the past few months, that literally make this program a pipe dream at best.
DRC in my opinion and situation is a very unsure program to lay any chips on at this point, and I really don't have the patience to sit and wait and watch the program fall to pieces like I have with Ethiopia.
In a last ditch effort - I called a few Canadian agencies and inquired about any other possible programs or countries... and came up empty handed. There is one new program - St. Vincent island. However, it is very much similar to the US program, but the wait can be 1-2 yrs just to get started!
So... I research a little more on US adoptions. I spoke with a few US agencies. I uncover the fact that while the wait list for Caucasian babies are years and most agencies are not even accepting new families, there are very few families who want to adopt black babies. Some birth moms don't even have a choice - only given the profiles of 1-4 families to chose from! This is ludicrous!
Then... I saw this video.
... and it all came together. I feel the need. I understand where that adoptive Mom was coming from a year ago when she suggested I look to the US. She understood something I didn't yet grasp!
I want to save a life, yes! I want to save a child from famine and poverty! I want to save a little girl from a terrible future. But. I. Can't. The doors are locked and I can't enter. I now realize that with the demand and interest in Africa, I am not changing anything from stepping out of line. The person behind me will take my place. A child will not be left to starve because I chose not to wait this out for years. The demand is certainly outweighing the amount of children available for adoption in Africa - especially in the case of Ethiopia. Now, if I lived in the US and had more options and resources, I would be in a program already. But I don't. I can accept that I have no future with Africa, and am starting to realize that my future is in the US. It may not mean saving a child from an illness and famine, but it will mean giving a child a safe, secure loving family and a bright future. A couple months ago, we were not interested in adopting an infant. We didn't want to diaper all over again. But now we are starting to look forward to it, and can see the advantage of doing so!
I will make one last program inquiry prior to signing on to the US, but inevitably - it is 98% likely that we will be going with the US. At the end of the day, the priority has always been to add another life to our family, and so really it doesn't matter how they get here or where they come from - we will love them the same!
I know that everything will work out in the end. I can't help but laugh at all that I have done and gone through this last year. The rejoicing and mourning of every program... I realize that it all needed to happen the way it did, otherwise I would not have gotten to where I am today - and an US adoption would not have even crossed my mind. It started with Haiti, and will end with the US - and for a Mother who is fertile and capable of bearing a bio child. I know some people still think we are crazy... and I still get the "Why don't you just have one of your own..." And we could, but I don't feel that is the way that our family is meant to come together. We have been led down this path for a reason... , and I certainly feel that what is meant to be is happening. Somewhere, there is an unborn child that is meant to be a part of our lives. (And yes, we would be happy to have twins!)
