Tuesday, November 8, 2011

He's my Super Hero and I'm his Evil Witch...

Yes, I have a Caregiver for a husband. No, not on a professional level... just on a personal level.

He devotes himself to looking after others. No, there are no qualifications... you just need to come across his path!

He is the guy who will give the shirt off his back in a January snowstorm in the middle of the Arctic. (And honestly that is likely an understatement - he would probably take his pants off too...)

Obviously, this is one of the largest reasons I was attracted to him!

He is often described as the nicest person anyone knows. I don't think he has one enemy! You can't 'not like' this man! (like my double negative?)

The problem is...

Often, he doesn't take care of himself.


Often, he gets taken advantage of or used.

However - he is also the type of person who's glass is always full even when it clearly is half full ( or empty ) - that would NEVER acknowledge that this happens.

His motto is quite admirable in that, at the end of the day he wins - because helping others makes him happy and happiness is the most important thing. (But at what cost?)

Walk in human, realist me (witch)...  and everything has a value. Yes, happiness is the greatest thing of all! However, other things do need looking after as well... or they will start to overflow in your cup of happiness and turn it rancid. I'm sorry... but that's just reality. There needs to be a healthy balance.

Sometimes, we (being me and the children)... catch a bit of rancid dribble overflow. Over the years, we have learned to support him and are so lenient that we can do double back bends... BUT... still, every now and then - I have to be the reality check (aka Witch). It's not a nice job... in fact it probably doesn't do anything for my positive thinking program, as I feel like I have to do all the negative thinking. With a cackle and a point of a finger... I am the bubble burster!

FACT - If this man of mine had no wife or children - he would spend the rest of his life serving others. He wouldn't need anything to call his own - and what he did have, he would give away. And when that ran out - I could even go as far to say that he would go into debt to give more. Why that sounds almost like a Munk... okay, so yes... my man would be a Munk... a  Super Hero Munk.

Over the years, I have seen some pretty wild and crazy things that my man has done for others... sometime at the expense of himself in more ways than one.

When I met him... he was spending 50% of his free time doing 'honey do' lists  and favors for others. Why? Ummm... not because they couldn't do it themselves, or afford to hire someone - simply, because they asked. Unfortunately though - these were not one time favors - they were numerous and frequent. They obviously manifested from a one time favor to a full fledged small book of favors. Sometimes, he would even have to travel quite a long way to complete these 'honey do's and sometimes, one task could take all day and cost him out of pocket expenses. But, he can't say no - it's just not his nature.

Now if it were me, I'd be like - "Excuse me? You want me to unplug your crap filled toilet...?! (..And you are completely capable!?) Seriously?! Are you flippin nuts!? Umm... I think I will let you unplug your own toilet... thanks for the offer though!"  or... "Perhaps I can recommend a good plumber...?" No, I don't think that makes me a Witch! - I think that makes him too nice! Is there such a thing though? No. (Yes!)
(Yes, this is a true story! He has done this - and on more than one occasion. A testament to his undying service as a Super Hero.)

Everyone thinks my man is rich. Why? Because he spends it (on others) like he gots it! (like my bad grammar?) He's not only at your service - but he will foot the bill too! It doesn't mean that he can afford it. It simply means that he doesn't want to ask you for it. He's being nice.

My man has, no doubt built an entire house in favors, from landscaping, to tiling the bathroom floors, to installing the toilets, to hanging the screen doors and picture frames! However, he has never lived in a house that is complete. By complete, I mean all the painting done, lights installed, and baseboard applied etc... This is a 2 part equation - partly because he is always busy helping everyone else with their projects, and partly because he will not ask anyone for help. Ever.

The sad thing is that really, he shouldn't need to ask them for help... they should be at our door offering! (Quiet.. lil Witch..;-)

We have learned - okay I have learned - (the children grew up with it) to just accept it and roll with it.

This is a daily thing for him... not just a weekly thing - daily.

Let me just summarize one of his days. Saturday. We have an appointment to drive to a town that is just over an hour away to pick up a hospital bed for his Father. However, this is also the only day that anything is ever open here - so we also have to get all household chores and errands on this day as well.

 Let me back up by saying that our dogs and cats have also been without food for a week. Our pet store here closes at 5:30 every day - and typically I get it, however - Dan, being the nice guy he is - has lent his company vehicle to a staff member who doesn't have a vehicle. (See a trend here?) So now he has to drive my vehicle. This then forced him to have to pick up a can of pet food every night... thinking that he would have time the following day to buy the food.

Okay - so Saturday am, he takes Mister to hockey first thing in the am. He comes home and quickly tells me that he is going to go help the Boy Scouts clean up the hall as they will certainly need his truck to go to the dump. (Parents are supposed to rotate their volunteering support - but this is the 3rd Saturday in a row that he has been the main volunteering presence there. He is the one that gets things done. He knows it, and therefore feels more obligated to go.)

Okay, I thought... as I recall that I was unable to walk down the steps in my garage for all the bags of recycling and garbage that have built up.

 I let him know he has to be back at 1, so we can go get his Dad's bed. 1 oclock, he arrives back and we quickly run to make our 3pm pickup. We get back in town around 4:30 and he calls one of his employees to ask him if he would like a ride home. Confused, I ask him if we are not supposed to be delivering and installing this bed. Yes, but his employee needs a ride. This is where I have to put my Witch hat on and explain to him that we cannot always drop everything for everybody. This employee is older than me. He is paid very well. He has choices. He can buy a vehicle, he can walk, or he can call a cab on his cell phone. AND on top of that all... he was hired with the promise that he would be able to get to and from the jobsite on his own. But - Dan has already offered. So, I request to be dropped off at his parents so I can at least get started as we are coming up to dinner time - and there is not a lot of room in the truck for an extra person anyway. 30+ minutes later, Dan arrives. It is now after 5pm and he realizes that he missed the petstore - again.

We disassemble his Dad's old bed and put the new one together. We finish, make the bed, help his Mom get dressed and haul the old bed out at 7pm.

Our tummies are now gurgling and demanding food. We go home and decide that it is too late to cook something, so we order food. Dan for some oddball reason, does not like delivery - he prefers to pick it up himself. So off he goes to not only pick up our food, but food for the animals as well.

 45 minutes later, he comes flying through the door... puts the food down and tells me that he has to run. There are two young girls who are broken down and need rad fluid. (Don't ask me how... him to a 'problem' is like a fly to shit - he'll find it anywhere. Ha! I think I should sew him a Super Hero outfit so he can do a quick change in the vehicle!) Of course, this does not surprise us at all.. no questions asked. So the kids and I eat. I quickly take note of our begging dogs and think to myself that my man has likely forgotten the dog food.

I give him a call on his cell phone to remind him... but no answer. 30 minutes later, (his food cold now) he arrives back home, kicks off his shoes and comes upstairs. All 3 of us at the same time say "You forgot the dog food..."

Back out he goes for a run to the corner store.

Later that night, he was telling me how many loads to the dump he had done. I quietly say, without even looking his way... "How much did that cost you?" and he then launches into the usual defensive pose... "Well, it was much less than I expected... the fridge didn't weigh that much...." etc, etc... (What I forgot to ask him was - how much the rad fluid cost! ;)

As much as it can get so aggravating... I know that I wouldn't love him as dearly if he wasn't this way. Over the years, I have found it much less stressful to just let him do his thing. It does get very hard however when I see it starting to take a toll on him. And I do have to put my foot down (and don the witch hat!) when I notice other's taking advantage of him on a consistent basis or when it is having a negative effect on him or our family.

What he doesn't understand is that in his service to others, he is unable to cap it or control it. Soon it starts to consume him and then he goes from feeling great for helping someone out to being run down and stressed because he can't do it all, and he doesn't know how to stop it, how to say no or how to reprogram others in his life.

He can't be everything for everybody... but yet he will insist he can. He is the caretaker to his employees, (*to most everyone he deals with on a daily basis), and to his family... so I guess it's my place to be his caretaker - put on my 'Witch' hat and ensure he is getting looking after somewhere in the mix!

The Super Hero Husband has read and approved of this post, with the exception of specific references of people to whom I've had to re categorize *

His comment was simply a laugh... the laugh that means he thinks my delusional thoughts are funny - because this simply is not a true recollection of reality. (His anyway...;) This is my Tuesday Truth... as I see it. ;)
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Anonymous said...

He is so incredibly generous.....not just with money/service, but with spirit.

I still remember seeing him the day I turned 10, and an hour later he had bought me this wicked awesome 101 dalmatian shirt and this polka dot diary....so thoughtful.

Yay superhero! And you're not a witch.....just a bit more pragmatic.

'Jo' said...

Awww... I'm sure he would be happy to know that his gift was that memorable!

He is certainly one of kind!;) I just wish people wouldn't take advantage of his generosity! Oh well... he's got the Karma card in his pocket - that's for sure!

Sharla said...

This whole thing made me laugh! My husband isn't nearly as bad (or I guess I should say "good"), but I can still relate because there are so many things falling apart at our house that never get fixed, but he will make time to help out others. It is something I admire about him, but also something that drives me crazy!!! P.S. I don't think that any of what you said about yourself makes you a witch, just a human!

P.P.S. Your husband does sound like a pretty great guy though, but maybe could benefit from finding a bit more balance! Maybe you could have him stand in front of the mirror and practise saying "no"!

'Jo' said...

Ha Sharla... I`m going to make him do that! lol. I`m trying to convince him to grow a mustache for Movember, so he can develop an alter ego. Ha!

I had to laugh, as I had just read your comment on my iphone (at a parade)... when the Boy Scout leader comes up and said `There`s my handy man!... you have no idea, how glad we are to have your services. Can you make us a cabinet... I`d like it to wooden... this big.. yadayada`- Oh my... I was smirking ear to ear! And just for my ears - because he knew I just posted this post - he said,`Well, I don`t have time this week... but let me look in storage, I think I may have something that might work.` He did say no to the build... but got out of it with just giving them one. Ha... Progress is progress... even if it is 1 step forward, and 2 back! lol.

PS... no, I`m really not a witch - lol. But I do feel like I have to play the `bad guy` role more than the average person! I`d love a role play switcheroo sometime... Maybe we can practice that too! Ha!