No one wants to hear...

... me whine, cry, kick, and complain. I am trying to bring forth a post full of joy and bliss... But, this is all I got right now.
These few words asked of me by my agency director - "Are there other countries you would be willing to explore...?" has made me sick. to. my. stomach.
This confirms my fears. She knows. I know. Adopting from Africa is a damn near impossibility. Let's be realistic and not sugar coat this now. I have been following 6 Africa yahoo groups for over a year. Ethiopia (2), Rwanda, Congo (2), and Uganda. I have been stalking hundreds of blogs for over a year. I know what's going on out there in the world of African adoptions. DRC - supposed to be this new, quick pilot program. That's all fine, until everyone hears about it! Canadians don't stand a chance in this program, because we have to work through a US facilitator. All but 2 DRC agencies are no longer taking new clients (due to huge waitlists). Our facilitator is one that is still taking applications. Guess what this means? (Ever try to make your way through a sea of buffalo?) Their waitlist that was at 80 a month ago, is likely at 120 and steadily growing... I am told you need immigration papers and be dossier ready to get on this list.
In Canada, at our agencies... we are put on waiting lists at the start of your homestudy. So where does that leave us who are on the list at the Canadian agency? No where... as we still don't qualify to get on the list at the US facilitating agency. In the dust. And, by the time our agency agrees to continue this program past the pilot stage, the facilitating agency will have a list that can rival any Canadian Ethiopian list. Which, essentially in my mind - means that a viable DRC program no longer exists in Canada, and will not UNLESS one these agencies decides to facilitate themselves.
So. I sit. And question... And wonder... Why? Is it all for nothing? Does the likelihood of adoption mean that my children will be double digits and my husband will be over 50 - which brings a whole new issue and limitations to the table? Am I just throwing money out the window? Yes, in all likelihood... I am paying thousands of dollars for an experience of a life time... home study, agony, aggrevation, frustration, disparity - it's like a torture retreat. I am the realist in the family - Dan is the fantasy man. It would be so much easier to go through this process with his eyes. However, I hold an itty bitty sliver of hope - that some child will pop up somewhere, or an African country will perhaps open up - so I will continue to fight. And I am stubborn. Resilient. I will not lose this fight lying down. So I will kick, and scream from the mountain tops if I have to... because there are 50 million orphans in Africa!