Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Waiting to exhale...

It's the... "Oh!... oh!.... wait for it.... wait for it...."

You know... like watching your child tumble down the stairs.

You take that one deep panicked breath "Huh!"...

Everything is in slow motion.

Your peripheral visions blurs.

Your ears go deaf.

The world around you stops. 

You wait.
 Holding your breath.
 Waiting for it to be over.
The moment you child moves or makes a sound - you exhale in relief. "Phew..."


I used to wonder how families who have been on the wait list for years can suddenly just end it and pull themselves off. I didn't understand why they would abort ship when they were so close. Well I understand it now.

When you are in the process of adopting, it consumes your whole life. You eat it, breathe it, live it, sleep it. It's no wonder we are all basket cases. The smallest bit of news can put us in to sheer, jumping up and down, can't take that smile of my face joy - and even just the lack of any news can be so very depressing. It's mood altering to say the least. Like some crazy, psychotic virus wreaking havoc on your brain!

Your world stops spinning, and you are in that state of holding your breath. Waiting for it to end... just waiting to exhale. It's been 2 years!!! I think I'm turning blue!! Give me some air!

I understand that those families who jump ship are just ready to get on with their lives. Live their lives without that extra weight on their shoulders and the uncertainty of what tomorrow may bring. They want off that emotional roller coaster. They want to breathe. Smell the roses. Smile for the sake of smiling and not having to depend on adoption good news for their happiness.

Ahh.... what do you do? Often times it feels like your throat is constricting, your blood pressure raises and you start grasping for anything. Anything to just breathe a little life back into you.

Yes, I'm a little on the edge. Yes the sun hasn't shone here for weeks. It snowed 8 inches last night and I am a bit sleep deprived with this time change. BUT... truly, what I speak of is the truth. Every day, this is how we live. Some days are just worse than others.

In all fairness to the rest of society, we seriously should be wearing warning labels on our heads...

Check out this post re-published on the online The Adoption Magazine


Sarah said...

So true! I am feeling pretty crazy these days too and we are years away from a referral. So excited to read about your adventure!

Janna said...

This is the best post I've read in terms of describing how the wait for a referral feels. I'm hoping my husband & I can "exhale" soon!

Quinn And Zoe said...

Yes! Over the past couple of weeks I have wanted to jump ship - my personality requires having a sense of control. Adoption is so uncomfortable and anxiety provoking for me because there is NO DAMN CONTROL. Fingers crossed for a soon to be referral for you guys... hang on!

'Jo' said...

Oh Zoe you have no idea!! I am a control freak by nature (Leo by sign)... I also live by the motto of "if you want something done right, you do it yourself." Needless to say, it is very difficult for me to have my hands tied throughout this process. I can tell you however that I have been very proactive... likely at the groans of my agencies. ;)