I have this feeling. I have had it for quite awhile now. The feeling is that we are not going to go to Kenya or adopt from Kenya. It just doesn't feel real.
Until now... I've consistently tried to push it away.
When I was pregnant with my first, I really wanted a girl... so I convinced myself that I was having a boy. Yep, I was so good at convincing myself, that I didn't even believe the Doctor when she was born!
Every day, I wait for the bomb to drop. We're not approved. We can't source the remaining money. Nairobi breaks out into a war zone. Seriously, I expect the worst... and am really doing very little to prepare for the possibility of going.
We should be listing our house for rent for approximately Aug.... we should actively be seeking a home for our dog etc. I don't even buy baby clothes! I think my heart has been crushed one too many times in this process and I just don't have a lot of faith in it anymore. I'm very concerned about preparing and putting all of my eggs into that basket... when I feel there is such a good chance that anything could go wrong. I'm not sitting at the helm, driving this ship... and that likely is another reason why I lack faith in this process.
So far we have been pulled out of the Ethiopian program that I really gave my heart to, many things have changed along the way. Things that we expected are no longer... or are different. I don't feel like I can rely on anything I am told. We just found out that an infant under 12 months is not an option for adoption any more. I'm just waiting to be told that we were only approved for 1 child, and then I'm expecting to be matched with a 2 yr old boy instead of a girl... and if we have actually made it that far... I'm sure riots will break out and travel will be unsafe.
I know... put out positivity and the universe will give it back. I've resisted this long in even acknowledging these feelings. I'm just being honest though.... I don't know if it's just plain negativity, premonition of what's to come, or self preservation of my sanity.
Perhaps something good will come of it now, like the feeling will go away, or perhaps a year down the road when we have our little one home... someone reading this, (who is experiencing the same feelings) will be encouraged.
(Take that Universe - I did say ' in a year from now when we have our little one home'! Take note.)