Tuesday, April 3, 2012

This feeling....

I have this feeling. I have had it for quite awhile now. The feeling is that we are not going to go to Kenya or adopt from Kenya. It just doesn't feel real.

Until now... I've consistently tried to push it away.

When I was pregnant with my first, I really wanted a girl... so I convinced myself that I was having a boy. Yep, I was so good at convincing myself, that I didn't even believe the Doctor when she was born!

Every day, I wait for the bomb to drop. We're not approved. We can't source the remaining money. Nairobi breaks out into a war zone. Seriously, I expect the worst... and am really doing very little to prepare for the possibility of going.

We should be listing our house for rent for approximately Aug.... we should actively be seeking a home for our dog etc. I don't even buy baby clothes! I think my heart has been crushed one too many times in this process and I just don't have a lot of faith in it anymore. I'm very concerned about preparing and putting all of my eggs into that basket... when I feel there is such a good chance that anything could go wrong. I'm not sitting at the helm, driving this ship... and that likely is another reason why I lack faith in this process.

So far we have been pulled out of the Ethiopian program that I really gave my heart to, many things have changed along the way. Things that we expected are no longer... or are different. I don't feel like I can rely on anything I am told. We just found out that an infant under 12 months is not an option for adoption any more. I'm just waiting to be told that we were only approved for 1 child, and then I'm expecting to be matched with a 2 yr old boy instead of a girl... and if we have actually made it that far... I'm sure riots will break out and travel will be unsafe.

I know... put out positivity and the universe will give it back. I've resisted this long in even acknowledging these feelings. I'm just being honest though.... I don't know if it's just plain negativity, premonition of what's to come, or self preservation of my sanity.

Perhaps something good will come of it now, like the feeling will go away, or perhaps a year down the road when we have our little one home... someone reading this, (who is experiencing the same feelings) will be encouraged.

(Take that Universe - I did say ' in a year from now when we have our little one home'! Take note.)


Sarah said...

I totally hear you on not believing it will happen and you are way closer to a referral than we are. I will be thinking of your family and hoping all goes well!

Janna said...

I completely understand how you feel! We've been on a similar road to you, as you know, and sometimes there just doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I try to stay positive & enjoy the life I have now, but some days it is SOOO DIFFICULT. Keep your chin up - good days are ahead!

Denise said...

It is very hard to let your heart go there, I know. I haven't done very many things on my list of about 2 million things that need to get done before G comes home - because I am afraid that if I complete my list, and she isn't home - my heart will break. So, I would rather be caught unprepared and then scramble to get ready... as if somehow if I don't prepare it will bring me better "luck"? funny how we play these games...

Jess said...

Totally feel you. Totally.
It'll happen.
It Will Happen.

Tracy said...

SO I am going to have to come to BC and help you prepare (Happily:), I will send you baby gifts to help you get ready, You can come and help me pack since I am leaving for kenya on June 4 :) , we are going to celebrate our birthdays and your wedding anniversary in kenya, you are going to stay with us if you need to when the time for you to come to kenya arrives .... If you don't have a house in Kenya .... Mi case is Su casa ... I don't know the Swahili phrase LOL .... We will have plenty of room, it takes a village, the more the merrier and it would be jolly time LOL .... You are having a kenyan baby, maybe even 2! I feel your pain ... I do ..... we are in this together :) ... we are expecting Kenyan children together :)

Sylvie and Victor said...

I would gladly take your dog if I didn’t live on the other side of Canada LOL! Hang in there. I know the feeling that ‘it’s not going to happened’. I guess we are somewhat protecting our selves from being hurt. Do the best you can to try to stay on the positive side... :)