The world next door. Part I

I realize I really need to start posting about our every day life here. We now consider it 'just life'... but it really should be documented because it is so far from what our 'norm' is, right down to the smallest of details.

Yesterday, we took a visit to a beautiful orphanage and the slum it resides in.

The slum is Huruma. We were told it is Nairobi's second largest slum, next to Kibera. George Hussein Onyango Obama, Barack Obama's half-brother actually resides in Huruma.

Much of Huruma consists of tin/rubbish houses that have no electricity, running water or sewer connections. In 2010, an innovative slum upgrading project was completed, providing improved block wall houses to over 200 homes. All with running water, sewage, electricity and drainage. Including renovated toilet blocks. In the old part, there is one toilet per 1000 people! Can you imagine what that would be like? I certainly do not want to!

Our drive in to the orphanage gave us an introduction to the slum. Right outside the gates of this little oasis, otherwise known as Missionaries of Charity, we saw the following.

To the right of the gate.

To the left of the gate - women waiting for any type of handouts from the other side of the gate.

Once inside, we discovered beautiful rose gardens, play areas, grass, school rooms, sleeping quarters, rehabilitation areas, and work areas.

Nuns run this orphanage. The lovely young nun who gave us our tour was Canadian and so very sweet.

The first thing I noted was how well dressed the children were. There were triplets there and they were dressed identical! The clothes were clean, fit well and were gender appropriate.

The youngest school class.

From the school area, we went to visit the baby area.

Very clean. All the bedding was exactly the same and the cribs were adorned with clean, good condition toys. You can see the walkers in the back ground. They did not have any jolly jumpers though, so I donated one of the ones we had recieved for a donation. They were very happy to recieve it. Thank you to the donors!

Every child had a Miraculous Medallion tied around their wrist.

From there we were shown the newborn room.

All babies were snuggly sound asleep and content. :)

Newborn twins... so tiny!!

From there, we were taken to the area where they house women who are mentally challenged or have severe disabilities. Some were conditions from birth, while others were from substance abuse. (long term glue huffing.) Understandably, this area was full and they did not have any more room to accept any more women.

Behind this area, Sister told us is where they keep fatally ill women. AIDS, TB etc. We did not see this area, as I assume it is a bit overwhelming.

After this, we were taken to another building that is home to children with severe disabilities. This was the hard part.

This photo is of the least challenged children. It shows the level of care that these children receive. 

This sweet little girl was the youngest in this ward. Very engaging and happy. She kept saying 'HI!' to us. I assume she has a minor case of holoprosencephaly, but that is mearly a guess.

Beyond this room was a room with a very large bed surrounded by rails. In this bed, were a handful of children who were essentially bed ridden with severe disabilities. I will quote what Muffin recalled in an email to a friend.

"A few days ago we went to an orphanage and we went and saw some cute, tiny babies. After that we went to go see the children in need and with disabilities and

when we first walked in there was a bed with a bunch of children on it but there was one girl named Jaklon who was 16 and she had serious things that she was born with. Her legs were twisted,she had a huge head,twisted arms and fingers.There were also lot of other kids being fed because they could not feed themselves. It was very sad."

This was very eye opening for the children. I don't think it is likely that they have ever seen anything like this even in a photo. Their eyes were as big as saucers, and they instantly clung to us in shock and sadness.

On the outside of the door of this ward, was a beautifully decorated frame casing the photos of all the children and a description of their personalities, likes and dislikes. A little reminder of how loved and well taken care of these once discarded children are. 

I cannot say enough about this orphanage. The children are loved and are raised in a way where they are able to maintain their dignity. How refreshing to see children raised in a home where toys were well looked after, clothing was in good shape, and not once did I smell urine soaked mattresses, blankets etc... or any other unwelcoming odors that are quite common in many of the orphanages we have visited thus far.

However, as Sister said when I was commending her on such a well run facility, 'We do what we can for them. We can give them clean clothing, bedding and a few possessions. It is the least we can do for them when they have lost everything. However, we will never be able to give them enough love.'

Children don't belong in orphanages. They belong in families. 

Bless those who are commited to doing their best for the children who have lost theirs.  

 Moving on... Huruma Slum to be continued....

Attached!

How is our attachment going?... many of you have inquired.

Attachment refers to the bond between the primary caregiver (usually the Mother) and her child. Biologically, this happens in utero. In adoption however, it requires more work as it doesn't always happen naturally.

Typically the adopted child doesn't understand the role of a parent as they have never had one. They need to learn that 'Mom' is a place to feel safe and secure. 'Mom' is where they receive comfort, nourishment and love. 'Mom' should, essentially, be the center of their universe. Learning this is part of the period of 'attachment'.

' Developing a secure attachment to a primary caregiver is extremely important as the child's mental representations of intimate relationships and the foundation trust often carry over into adulthood, affecting future adult relationships. "Studies of attachment have revealed that the patterning or organization of attachment relationships during infancy is associated with characteristic processes of emotional regulation, social relatedness, access to autobiographical memory and the development of self reflection and narrative."
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/support/articles/artadoption.php

Of course attachment doesn't always go one way - it goes both ways. It also refers to the bond of Mother to Child.

All that being said, we are happy to report that we are securely attached!

I honestly never expected it to happen so seamlessly, and perhaps I should be knocking on wood.

From the beginning, Zahra has never wanted to let me leave her sight. She wants me to carry her 90%... I spent the first month carrying her in an Ergo. We are now starting to encourage her to walk more and use the stroller a bit to save my back (she is 30 lbs!), and more recently, she now allows Daddy to carry her in the Ergo.

 

She never walks out of my sight (unless in our home), and always checks in with me while playing.

Eye contact, never a problem.

She has slept with us right from the start, which I firmly believe is a great attachment parenting tool. The first two nights, she slept on my chest. When she is feeling particularly whiny/clingy, I will have often lay her on my chest, skin to skin. She loves to go bed and I think it's because of the guaranteed cuddle time.

She screams like the sky is falling if I leave her or she thinks I am leaving her.

She is generally happy most of the time. She is super funny and silly. We love watching her personality unveil itself to us.

The home that she came from was quite small and she was one of the first babies to come into this home (and the first girl), so I believe this has a lot to do with her quick attachment - given that she did have a lot of care and attention and was well attached to her caregivers.

My lack of blogging certainly is not because we are having any issues, but more so that we are happily busy chasing 3 children, homeschooling, hanging laundry, and washing dishes in addition to connectivity issues and power outages. ;) (This post has taken exactly 1 hour and 24 minutes just to get it posted!)

We are very much counting our blessings and hope things continue down this path.

Kenyan elves don't make Fisher Price toys.

I browsed around last week for a Christmas present for the kids, and this is what I found.

 

Ocean Wonders Nesting Pails - 5,495 KES - $63 CAD/US

Never mind the fact that it looks like it 10 years old and the packaging is all beat up.

Muffin had these when she was little - I paid $10 for them.

 

Fisher Price Learning Letters Mailbox. 9,156 KES - $105 CAD/US

These sell for $25 in stores in N. America.

 

Can you say RIDICULOUS!?

 

Needless to say, Santa will not be gifting any toys this Christmas.

 

(Note to adopting parents - bring toys with you!)

You just never know what you will get....

We approached the elevator of the 8 story building that housed our lawyer's office. Typically, elevators seems to be small and narrow here in Kenya compared to what we are used to in N. America.

We were first in line, I was holding Zahra, and another adoptive friend of mine was holding her 15 month old son, accompanied by her Mother.

As we waited for the very slow elevator, the line behind us began to increase. Slowly the elevator approached, and the doors opened. Before I knew it, we were being rushed from behind... nudged and pushed... what we call back home 'Budging in line', by men and women.... it didn't matter - every man for themselves.

(This is something that I have experienced too much of here... My kids have been rudely shoved numerous times (by men and women) while they wait in line with me, and I have had numerous men budge in line right in front of me, like they own the place and their pants are on fire. No regard for anyone else. Perhaps my 'Canadian' manners have made me too sensitive to this type of thing as I find the more this happens (cause my jaw no longer hits the floor)... I often say 'Excuse You!'... )

As we opened the office door, we were greeted by a very small waiting room (similar size of your main bathroom). 4 chairs were lined up against the wall where three men sat.

Two of them instantly sat up and asked to us to 'Please, sit.' We sat down, and the men observed us with our Kenyan children, speaking amongst themselves about us in Kiswahili. This, we have grown accustomed to.

'Do you know what we are saying?' said the one man.

'No.' I said.

'We are saying that you will forever be blessed by God for the gift of love you possess in your heart to love these children of ours. Thank you.'

'Thank you,' I said, 'that is very nice.'

Then he pulled out his wallet. 'I would like to bless these children.'

I thought he was going to pull out a prayer card or something similar, but he started to pull out money, then the other two men started to do the same. All searching their barren wallets and pockets.

'I am a Pastor, and I would like to bless these children.' as he passes me the small bills he collected. 'Please buy these children a soda.'

A soda! Ha... Certainly not what I was expecting, but a generous offer nonetheless.

Together, they collected 300 shillings per child, about $3.50 Canadian. I assure you that these men were not of the wealth to afford this donation, but they gave what they had. We felt quite honored.  

We did not buy the babies soda with this money, but instead tucked it away in a safe place... for our Kenyan children to remember that love can be found where you least expect it.

Bonding days at the orphanage.

I'm so sorry... I miss keeping up my blog, but the truth is that I am just so darn busy, I literally collapse at the end of the end of the night. My husband has been gone for 2.5 weeks, back to Canada to wrap up some business, so I have been single parenting here without the luxuries back home like hot water, reliable electricity or a car, or corner store. I also find the task of 'catching up' very daunting... so I am going to just get it done in one post.

Day Two

We walked through the iron security gate and rounded the corner into the main room where the older children were sitting at the table, drawing. She turned to look at me, then quickly turned the other direction, pretending I wasn't there or perhaps hoping I would leave. "Zahra, look your Mum is here!" one of the Carers said. She remained steadfast, holding her gaze at the adjacent wall.

I said 'Hi' to the other children and came to her side, squating down to her level. I stroked her hand as she stared off. I began to pull some gifts out of my bag, and the other children swarmed me. I pulled out a couple books, some snacks and the bubbles. She turned her head to see what the commotion was all about... and reached for me. I took her onto my knee and asked her if she wanted to go outside. She loves to walk and be outside, and to be outside the property gates, is a treat for her.

We took the children outside the gates of the orphanage compound to look for Chameleons. Muffin and Mister held a couple little ones they found. The children were afraid to touch them as Kenyans are really afraid of them for some reason. In fact, some women walking up the lane, wouldn't even pass when they us holding them.

We spent the rest of the day playing outside with her and the other older children until she became sleepy and fell asleep in my arms. I put her down in her crib and kissed her cute chubby cheek.

Z looking out the iron gates.

Day Three

We rounded the same corner into the room where Z was being held by one of the Carers. "Look Zahra, your Mum!"... as she tried to hand her to me. She whined, giving a warning that she was close to tears. The Carer tried to force her to come to me. "Please don't." I asked. "She will come to me when she was ready."

Today she was very resilient, nothing in my bags of tricks were working. Was she mad at me because I wasn't there when she awoke yesterday? Is she tired? Is she not feeling well?

After 15 minutes, when she realized that I was going to take the other children outside, she slowly sauntered over to me... reaching up for my hand.

A woman from up the road came over and asked us if we wanted to show the kids some sheep and cows, so we walked with them all up the lane way - that was supposed to be 'just up there'... but turned into a 2 km walk. We never made it all the way, as all the children started to get tired. so we had to return. 

When we returned, I gave Z a quick bath while she stood in a baby bath basin. One of the older boys helped by pouring water over her back. It was very sweet. I dressed her and brought her into her room, shared with 5 other cribs. Laid her down, gave her a kiss, covered her up and said, "La la".

Day 4

We decided that it would be best for me to go to the orphanage alone today to encourage more bonding, and less stimulation for Z. Not to mention, Dan had to start to furnish our apartment so we could bring her home.

When I arrived, she was sleeping. I held some of the babies for a little while, checking in on her every few minutes. I wanted to be the first face she saw when she woke up.
20 minutes later, I noticed her stirring. I quietly entered her room and softly stroked her back. Startled, she glanced up... smiled, pointed at me and said 'Wewe, wewe!" in Swahili. Meaning 'You, you.'

She was happy to see me! I think she realized that I wasn't going to be just a visitor that she couldn't rely on seeing tomorrow. I was here again, and today I seemed to have won her trust. She reached up her arms and I hugged her tight... kissing her sweet lips and cheeks.

The remainder of the day was wonderful. She turned to me for everything she needed or wanted. This shift caused her to drift away from some of the Carers, refusing to go to them or look at them. I could tell that this bothered them as they repeatedly tried to capture her attention.

Z sharing her apple with the other children. This made me so proud! :)

Day 5

I went alone to the orphanage again today, and Zahra came running to me as soon as I walked into the room.

Today would be our last full day of bonding at the orphanage. I was not prepared to take her at the end required 5 day bonding period, as I didn't think she would be ready - but after yesterday and how well she received this morning, I knew she was ready.

The 3 other older children started to really act out today. They have seen this before, and they knew what was happening. I was there for Z, not for them. Instead of their usual frequent requests to be held... or trying to grab at least one of my fingers to hold on to while we walked, or their efforts to attract my attention any way possible, they were hitting me, yelling at me, pushing Zahra, spitting on one another and ripping books.

They were sad. Heart broken. Crushed. They felt so rejected! My heart broke for them all... all they wanted was to be loved and the few days that we had to spend with them, shedding love and attention on them all, was now making the rejection so much more unbearable for them.

Why not them? What was wrong with them? Why does everyone get a Mom and Dad to love them and not them?

These children are all 3... and all deserve a family. While they are too young to understand the logistics of why they are not 'freed' for adoption, they understood that many of their other friends have been taken by families that loved them and they have been left behind.

Reflections

If possible, I highly recommend seeking an opportunity to bond with your child outside the proximity of the other children. Not only it is so much more difficult to bond with your child when you have 3+ other little ones demanding your attention, but it is too hard on them as well. In our situation, the orphanage was very small (14 children), and so were the grounds. It was extremely difficult to achieve any one on one time, without the other children.

The director spoke with us briefly about today and suggested that she would take the older children out of the orphanage the following day when we were to take Zahra home. We were very grateful for this.

Day 6

My only son's birthday. There is no greater gift than that of getting a new sibling! He was so excited to be able to bring her home on his day.... a birthday we will always remember.

We arrived just as Z was waking up from her nap. I changed her diaper (which was towels in a over sized plastic covering - thank you to those that donated cloth diapers, we have left a bag full here.) and cleaned her up as best I could considered the mess that was in that diaper. Off came the 2 layers of onesies and blue, boy overalls.

Good bye layered, shared, gender neutral/ boy clothes - Hello pink and frilly! She was now mine... and dressing her in a pink frills, leotards and white leather sandals and a cute little flower head band, felt like my writ of passage.

All the staff members sadly said good bye to her. Some more than once. She will clearly be missed. She was the very first girl to be taken in at this orphanage, and I think they all had a soft spot for her.

Zahra got in her car seat with no hesitation. Her eyes as big as the moon, watching out the window... as we backed out the driveway. She remained quiet, taking in all the sights of the country side as we drove along. She likely had only been in a car a handful of times. I wonder what was going on in her head during this drive. So much to see... so much wonder.

After a long day, we undressed Z of her pink frills and put on the cutest sleeper I had. I laid down with her on the bed and she quietly fell asleep on my chest. I stroked her hair softly, observing all the little details in her hands, face, ears etc... Mourning the loss that her first Mother had in not being able to keep her. Feeling so grateful that she was so well cared for, fed and loved for her first 2 years.

All my prayers had truly been answered. 

Door decorated by two of Z's little Kenyan - soon to be Canadian (BC local!) friends.

Glass Slipper

 

Do you recognize these shoes?

The ones that have symbolized our daughter to be for over 2 yrs now (found on the right side column)?

 

I received these shoes in a random surprise package from Baby Steals.

They were the very first pair of shoes that I had gotten for our baby.

At the time, I didn't know her gender, or age, and certainly not her shoe size.

In fact, I was certain that even if we had gotten a girl, these shoes wouldn't even look at her feet for a very long time.

They were much too big.

 

 

 

As you can see, they fit her like a glove.

A coincidence?

I think not.

Meeting Zahra

I'm on African time now... sorry it has been so long. We are just getting settled in and are now hooked up to the internet, so I will try to back track and stay current from now on. ;) We have been in Kenya for 2 weeks now and I have a lot to share!

We landed in Kenya in the evening of the 23rd with our 15 pc's of luggage plus carry on.

Tracy met us at the airport bundled in Canadian flag bunting.

It was a wonderful greeting, we were so happy to finally meet her. She has been an amazing support for us here, assisting us as we get on our own two feet on Kenyan soil.

The following morning we woke up bright and early, ready for the day to meet our new family addition. We had a quick meeting at our agency office and then headed to the orphanage with another Canadian family who we were travelling with who also have a child in the same home. We decided it would be best to be introduced to the children one at a time, so we could enjoy each other meetings and assist Tracy with the photographing.

Dane and Corrie met their little guy first. He is just 14 months old. A very cute, happy little guy who seem to take it all in his stride. It was wonderful to take witness to their wonderful meeting. I would like to share with you our meeting with Z in the form of a letter to her.

Meeting You - a letter to our Joy.

We stood outside the cute, little 3 bedroom block house that you have called home for your first two years of life. Little baby outfits pinned up on the line drying in the hot African sun, beyond that a large pile of dirty diapers were collected, while a little playground built from wood sat in the forefront.

I started to get choked up and felt a few tears roll down my face when I realized that the moment was upon us and I would soon be seeing your beautiful little face. As you rounded the corner of the doorway, carried by your Carer, I knew I had to choke those tears back and be strong for you because you were so frightened.

I felt so sad for you, you were so scared and confused. I wanted to take you into my arms and comfort you. I wanted to reassure you that you would never feel this scared and unsure again in your life, but I knew that it was my very presence that was making you feel this way. I reached out and took your hand, softly speaking your name. Your eyes glazed over as you stared off into space, internalizing your fear. The Carers felt bad, they tried to bring your out of it. I could tell that they were worried that I would I would feel bad, or perhaps that I wouldn't see you for the bright happy girl you are. 'She's just shy', they said as they tried to hand you over to me. You instantly shrugged away. 'It's okay', I said... 'let's just take it slow.'

I pulled out the bubbles hoping that they would catch your attention. Sadly, it seemed to heighten your fear as I don't think you had ever seen them before.

I handed you a toy train and you refused to take it. I was not worried. Your
attachment to your Carers and your strong will only reassured me that even though this may take awhile, we would be inseparable once it did happen. I think you and I are a lot alike, and I can appreciate your strong will. Things happen on your terms, and only when your 100% sure... I totally get it!

Your Carer took the train and handed it to you. You started to flick your finger over the wheels, making them spin over and over again. This fidget toy seemed to help you some.

The staff decided it would be best to go inside. The Carer sat you down on the couch, and I sat next to you. You moved as far from me as you could while continuing to spin the toy train wheels.

I pulled out stickers and started to stick them on the other children, hoping you were watching and taking note of the fun they were having with them. After a few moments, I reached over and stuck one on the back of your hand. Your reaction was like being stung by bee, so I continued to just focus on the other children, allowing you to become more comfortable with the situation.

Some time had passed and you still were not showing any signs of giving in. I started to wrack my brain for more ideas. Then I remembered my iphone. I had downloaded a few apps for toddlers the week prior. I pulled it out and turned it on to animals and animal sounds. You turned your cheek, but I knew you were listening. I tapped the Bee to initiate the buzzing sound as I buzzed with my fingers and playfully tickled the necks of the other children. We moved on to the dog, cat, lion and so on... You started to steal little glances as your interest piqued.

Then a miracle happened.

The 3 yr olds came in from school. Your eyes lit up, and your whole demeanor changed. You were so happy to see them. They came rushing over to see what this wonderful little toy I had in my hand was, when you scooched your little bottom over as close as you could get to me, laying your hand over me - proclaiming that I and the iPhone belonged to you and no one else. Human nature, orphanage competition, and Steve Jobs may have brought us together in that moment... but it didn't matter to me, my heart melted in that touch and I knew you and I were going to be just fine.

Day 2 tomorrow...(if internet permits)