Cancelling the Olympics

The 2012 Summer Olympics in London are wreaking havoc on my plans and my pocket book.

2 months ago, the rate to fly to Nairobi in July was $1600/person. Of course, we could not book (and still cannot) because we have not yet been approved by the governing committee in Kenya yet.

The Olympics are from July 27th - Aug 12th. Who the heck planned that?!

What does this mean!? It means that all flights are now over $2400 to fly in July or August.... a $800 difference per person = $3200. Where's my barf bag? This makes me sick to my stomach.

This really affects our timeline. We cannot afford that extra expense. The prices really don't start to come down until September. Our referral is still on track for June/July... upon which most people immediately go over to take custody. Seriously, do you know how much happens in 3 months in the life of a baby!? Ugh. Lump in my throat.

To add insult to injury... CAUTION - stop reading now unless you are really interested in listening to my pity party... (I ran out of gas today downtown, so I'm in a stellar mood.) My 35th birthday and more importantly our 10 yr anniversary happen to fall during the Olympics. Not a big deal, unless... after 10 yrs of not properly celebrating our anniversaries (ie - dinner with kids in tow at a family restaurant etc.), #10 was supposed to make up for it all.

My hubby has had 10 yrs to prepare, and 1 yr of warning... I was thinking Vegas etc... sans children this time. However, the plans quickly transformed into renewing our vows in Kenya. (How cool would that be!?)... and now we'll be going out for nachos in our hometown because we'll be too broke and busy for Vegas... and not able to get to Kenya. Blech. Wow - how's that for a whine? Can't say I didn't warn ya!

So, if it's okay with you all, I'd like to call off these darn Olympics.

I have a bone to pick with you, 2011.

I celebrated the year out with a good riddance, let's not look back. But, something has been bothering me and quite frankly I just need to get it off my chest. I guess that's just how I work. I can't move on until I talk about it.

As you all know by now... I err to the negative side and I have been working at staying positive. But just this one time, I really just need to be allowed to wallow in the valley of despair. Cry, whine, pout and have myself a 2 minute pity party.

2011 sucked. Seriously... do you know how many people I know who feel the same way!?

Let's count the ways...

In April, Hubby ruptured his Distal Bicep. He had surgery and the recovery was 4 months! His right arm was out of order! (Keeping in mind, this man needs his arms in order to work!)

In June we were notified that our 16 month wait on the Imagine wait list was all for nothing and that MOT conveniently claimed that this list did not exist. Well it did exist - I was on it #60 - for 16 months. So, we had to start all over again and find another program.

In July, my Step Grandfather passed away.

In the summer, we had 2 different people back out of the sale of one our companies twice at the last moment. Economy is still rocky and people are hesitant.

Owners of the lot next to ours, decide to have a divorce fire sale on their property, decreasing the value by $70K!! - totally destroying our adoption plan B for funding.

In August, realizing this would be our only opportunity for a family vacation in 2011 - we decided to drive to Seattle and spend a long weekend there. Something I have wanted to do forever. 8 hours into our vacation, we had to abort and head for an emergency room in Canada, effectively ruining our vacation. We also lost the cost of our hotel booking, in addition to a suitcase of stuff that we had to leave at the hotel and zoo tickets that were prepaid.

In September, I was diagnosed with the worst sinus infection the emergency room Dr. has ever seen. 3 weeks of antibiotics to get rid of most of the infection. I say most... as I still haven't gotten rid of it, it continues to plague me to this day.

In November my Mom was diagnosed with Emphysema.

In December, our beloved dog (first child) was diagnosed with an aggressive bone cancer. I cried for days.

December as we headed out to have my family's side of Christmas, my tire was destroyed from a screw, which meant we had to buy 2 new tires. We no sooner got it back from the shop, and the alternator went (!!), which meant, you guessed it - a new alternator. It delayed our trip half a day (and perhaps was a sign not to go!!?)... but we made the 8 hour drive.

We no sooner got our bags unpacked, and settled in and we got the phone call on the 17th that Hubby's Mom passed away. Naturally, Hubby was devastated.

On the day after his Mom's funeral, we had to take his Dad in to get a double blood transfusion. Find out he's bleeding internally and is anemic.

On the 25th, the wonderful evening caretaker at Hubby's parents Senior complex passed away suddenly during his night shift of a heart attack. Completely unexpected.

On the 29th, after days of struggling with the horrendous decision... we finally put Mikha down. I still haven't gotten over that.

And then to top it all off, some money that we were expecting to come in to help with our adoption costs did not. (Plan A) (Details I can't share here... but it has left me with feelings of sadness, anger and betrayal. Feelings that are not going to be easy overcome.)

Coming in to the new year... Dan's Dad is really not well, has been diagnosed with a number things and still has the internal bleeding. We have been busy taking him to out of town appointments and tests... with so much more to come. He will likely require surgery, but sadly, it's his struggle to breathe that currently is most concerning. (Interstitial lung disease.)

Also coming in to the new year, is the realization that hubby is going to need surgery (again) on his shoulder that was also damaged during his mishap in April last year... which will likely put him out of commission for another long stint.

Last night in the shower (my thinking place),  I called Hubby in to ask him what positive things happened in 2011( in my effort to see the positive light) . He stammered, and then said... "...well, the kids had fun and did some good things."

"Like what?"

"...Uh, like gymnastics, hockey... and what not."

Ha! Pathetic answer... and confirms it. You know it was bad, when he can't even come up with anything!

I know.. it could have been worse, and I know we are so fortunate in so many ways. Believe me, I know how blessed we are. But seriously, I am hoping and praying that 2012 is not as hard on us. Good health and a plan C for adoption funding is all I am asking for.

Thanks for allowing me to whine and snivel. I'm over it now... and moving forward.

...you sucked.

Disrupted Adoption - Infant Adoption

I have felt the urge to write about this a few times now... and have always decided not to - in a conscience effort to not judge others. Especially considering I am not even an adoptive parent. (yet!) However, after receiving 3 notices from a waiting child site about 3 separate instances of disrupted adoptions in the last 3 weeks... my tongue no longer has any fiber left to bite.

Below, is one of the listings that was sent to me. I don't know any details other than those provided in this excerpt.

* "Mark" is a 4 yr. old boy who was adopted in the U.S. at age 3 weeks. His adoption is disrupting and a new home must be found.  "Mark" was born drug and alcohol exposed and currently has some delays especially in expressive language.

A home is being sought for "Mark" where he is the youngest child.  'Mark''s adoptive parents gave birth to a son after they adopted "Mark", and "Mark" is too controlling and tends to bully his brother.  "Mark" is good with animals, likes water sports and picture books. Maybe you can be that family who can give "Mark" the home he needs.

One of the reasons I have to comment, is this is not an isolated incident. I have heard the exact same story happen to a little boy in Canada... and I'm sure there are many more out there.


Goodness gracious... this poor, poor child!!


Here is what I don't understand. How do you adopt an itty bitty little baby... feed, clothe, bathe, love, and parent a child for 4 yrs and then decide that it's not working out for you? How does this work...? I'm trying really hard to be understanding and consider there may have been many other issues going on.... But still, I come up empty handed with a reason of how on earth this is acceptable in the regards to a newborn adoption! In both the newborn adoption disruption cases I heard of, the adoption was followed by a pregnancy.


I understand that in the case of older adoptions, attachments aren't as easy and the bonding takes a very long time. But in the case of a 3 week old baby!? A baby that you spent endless nights rocking, while holding him close to your heart. A baby who's first smile made your day. The baby you read to and played endless games of 'smell the stinky feet' because it made him giggle so. The baby you celebrated the first steps of, the first birthday, first tooth and the first "Mama"! The toddler who's pitter patter footsteps filled your home with laughter. The toddler who cried on Santa's lap and sobbed for an hour while you consoled him with a candy cane. The toddler who gave you the mushiest, wettest kisses. The toddler who loved to curl up on your lap and fall asleep with his blanket, while sucking his thumb. The child you taught to ride a tricycle, and put on his own socks! The child who made you a homemade Mother's day card embossed with a stamp of his tiny hand print. The child you took to his first day of preschool... and he was so happy to see you and excited to take you by the hand and show you all the wonderful things he learned. HOW? How do you throw that all way and give him up?

Source

I'm having a really tough time here, and I have revised this 5 times now. I don't want to come off as harsh... but honestly, this really upsets me. I feel as though this child's fate was sealed the minute his parents discovered they were pregnant. Perhaps they never thought they could ever get pregnant - and viewed adoption as a second choice instead of the best choice - I don't know. But somehow, somewhere... along the line, this poor baby became second best to a infant born from his Mother's womb. She didn't love him the same that the she loved her biological son. I don't know how or why... but it happened. If he had been born from her womb, he would have stood a chance. When he became jealous, bossy or aggressive with his younger sibling... she would have worked it out. After all, most all biological siblings go through this anyway! But for some reason, she always had the thought in the back of her mind that this child did not have a permanent place within the family... and was not as valued, therefore - he could be let go. Given up, so they could live in harmony with their biological baby without being overshadowed by a troubled child who required a little more love and attention.

I can't help but think what damage this is doing to this little boy.

I know there are certain extreme cases involving RAD, where parents don't have a choice and are forced to disrupt the adoption. These cases are fortunately rare. 


What we as adoptive parents have to understand is that it isn't going to be easy. The road is rocky and you will hit some serious ruts.  There is risk. Guaranteed, their ages will not be right. (The latest disrupted adoption was partially due to miscalculated ages.) And guaranteed - it is not going to be a walk in the park!

The wrong type of adoptive parent is the one who reads adoption fluff and has envisioned their adoption to be a little boy sliding down a rainbow with doves singing softly in the background. These are the parents that are completely caught off guard when in walks a troubled child with horns growing out of his head. A child who intentionally pees on the Persian rug, soils his pants, scribbles on your new duvet with your Dior lipstick, spits on you, steals food and splits his brother's lip open with his head because he took his toy. A boy who, suffering from trauma, is just trying to cope the best way he knows how. A boy who needs to be coaxed with lots of love and perseverance to break down his barriers...so he can learn to trust again.

This is exactly why I advocate for more truth on adoption blogs! Surprisingly, many people don't read books... and I have come across many adoptive parents who haven't read any adoption or attachment books. Most adoptive parents scour the internet however and read blogs. If more adoptive parents were bold, and honest... and spelled out the good with the bad, then more adoptive parents would be aware. The more aware they were of the potential problems, the better prepared they would be to handle it. The better prepared they would be, the less chance of their adoption failing. Don't you agree?

*(The name of the adoptive child has been changed. If you are interested in more information on this little boy, please email me on the right and I will steer you in the right direction!)

Let's get real - and - what I really want to say.

It's Tuesday, so let's be truthful.

When I first started this blog I wasn't quite sure what direction it would take. It was initially started as an adoption journey journal. Many people keep several blogs. One for adoption, one for homeschooling, one for recipes etc. I don't homeschool (yet), but I do have other interests and passions. Certainly not deserving or interesting enough to require their own blog however. So, I have decided that this blog will simply just resemble me! With a main focus on adoption, and other bits and pieces thrown in for good measure! I am a researcher at heart, granola wannabe, and I think I'm a decent cook - so from time to time, I will throw out some product recommendations, green ideas, and some recipes. Because...the truth is, I would do the same thing if you were sitting here in my kitchen having tea. (or wine ;)

Another thing which I have teetered back and forth on... is about how real I should present myself. And here are my thoughts.

You know those blogs... the ones where the person behind the keyboard eats glitter for breakfast and lunch?

Where nothing bad ever happens?

They live in a fluffy world where the glass is always full?

The ones that make you want to vomit in your mouth?

Yeah.. those ones.

Well, here's the thing... I don't think they help anyone really. It certainly can't help the writer to be in denial about reality - not ever able to unleash some dissatisfaction. (Every therapist will tell you, journaling is good... get your feelings out!) AND - I know, as a reader it really actually only makes me feel bad about myself or my situation.

No... the fluff doesn't rub off, it just aggravates.

What does make me feel better is to read that others share in my own miseries. To hear of their shitty experiences and how they overcame them! And let's be truthful - if you are not being honest and truthful about your adoption (etc.), your experience - then really, you are misleading others, and you are not helping. In fact, you could be causing damage. Most people blog to journal or to help and inspire others... Fluff does not have category. Sorry.

So, here I am in all my glory. (No bells, whistles or firecrackers... lol) What you see is what you get. In my everyday life I live authentically. I think everyone should own and accept who they are. I don't have a secret me, or a different personality behind closed doors or with different people. If I'm angry with the hubby for example, you will know it. If I am excited, I can't contain it. If I have a problem, I will voice it. The thing is - it is what it is, and nothing else. I'm not perfect and I'm not afraid to admit it. I have nothing to hide. I realize this may rub people the wrong way, and I'm okay with that too... cause I can only be what I am. I won't put on a facade because that's what I think you want to see. It's more important to me that I am content with who I am, and knowing that I live my life as genuinely as possible.

By my own admission, I suffer from an uncanny ability to be negative... so bare with me. I am a work in progress and have been making strides in being able to see things in a more positive light. Adoption, surprisingly is a good exercise... you have to be able to find the positivity and the hope, because without it, you have nothing.

Wow... now that I've rambled on way too long about myself, I would like to put out there exactly what I would like to say to people when they ask stupid questions.

****

The other day, I had a woman come to my door to pick up some stuff I was selling. We got on the topic of adoption. She asked where we were adopting from, and I no sooner got out, "Well, we were going to adopt from the US...." and she interjected with "Why aren't you adopting from the Ministry?".

Standing there with her lovely 2 yr old on her hip (after informing they that they are trying for another)... she announced she was a social worker and really started to make me feel as though she was grilling me for making the wrong decision. In her eyes, I should be adopting from the ministry and everything I had to say about it - she answered with, "That is not always the case...".

So, although my typical response is to be polite and defend myself, I need to strategize here. I want some real humdinger responses. I want to answer a question with a question. Not to be rude, or to hurt. But to make them think, "Did my mouth just say that?". Educate... not hate. I don't have these answers yet... I'm still working on it. BUT - I do know what that little voice inside my head says and what I feel like saying...

Said by social worker lady...
Why don't you adopt from the Ministry? Why don't you?

Said by my lawyer's legal secretary...
Why would you want to do that (adopt from Kenya)?

I don't know... 147 million orphans in the world. 50 million of them Africa. 1 in 5 will die before their 5th birthday. The lucky ones? They will suffer from famine and disease. They will be raped and abused. They will survive only by salvaging what they can from landfills and by selling their own bodies.

I guess you and your children are just darn lucky to have been born in the Western world so you didn't have to suffer the same fate - because if you were, you would really have to hope that there were people in the world who weren't as ignorant as you and actually gave a shit.

Said by family member...
Why don't you adopt from China? 

Do you know how racist that sounds?

Do you have a problem with Africa or Africans?

Why the HELL not Africa?

Said by someone I know...
Why do you want to travel and adopt from Africa? Africa is full of AIDS, there is a good chance your kid could have aids too.

What?! Are we living in the 80's here?! Your right, there are a lot of people with AIDS/HIV in Africa. Most orphans are AIDS victims. Although all the children are tested for HIV, there is a chance that they could have HIV. HIV is manageable with medication and many HIV positive people are able to live long, healthy, normal lives. It is almost a non issue nowadays. The only issue, unfortunately, is the stigma attached to it, created by people such as yourself. (Which unfortunately, is the only thing that gives me pause in considering adopting a positive child!) HIV positive children are just as deserving as any other orphan.

Now, as far as your worry about travelling in a country 'full of AIDS', you must be concerned that I will catch it. You will be happy to know that I do not intend on having sex with anyone there (other than hubby that is), nor will I be sharing needles with anyone. You will also be happy to know that outside of these 2 activities - my chances of catching HIV is MUCH lower than getting struck by lightning. That's right... you should be more concerned about the local weather patterns.

Said by family member...
There are many children in our own country that need help too, why aren't you adopting one of them?
Seriously? What do you really know about the children in need in Canada? Have you researched this? This is a typical, safe response. But actually shows your ignorance about adoption in the real world.

And, the last time I looked - this was our 'own' planet, and there are many children on our 'own' planet that are in need. There are several reasons why... but I am tired of explaining myself, so let me ask you this...

Why don't you adopt one of these children?

Why do you care where the heck I adopt from?

Wouldn't you agree that adopting a child from Africa is better than not adopting a child from anywhere?

And last, but not least... (words of wisdom from a dear friend of mine - 'xome')

Would you be so concerned about the way I build my family if this child came from my own VAGINA? No...? I didn't think so.

Today's Rant

I know this is an adoption blog... but really what would be a blog without a rant here or there? And quite frankly, I have something to get off my chest.

What is it with women who rant and insult their children's Fathers - or biological Father's on Facebook? Terms like "Dead beat Dad", "the Loser... and "Sperm Donor" are commonly heard. They air their dirty laundry about these Father's not paying child support, not being involved etc. To make the issue worse, the children of these women are not only on Facebook, but a FB friend of their Moms and can see the terrible things they write about thier Fathers.

It is a shame that these Fathers are not stepping up to the plate. It's terrible - mostly for the child. So go ahead and make that child feel even worse, because not only does he feel abondoned by his Father - but now you just continue to twist that knife in their heart by insulting the only bio Father he has, the one whom half of his genetics came from! Remember, your child had no involvement here - it's not your child's fault that he has the Father he does.  The only person who had a choice in this situation was you. You choose that man to Father your child... so don't make the child pay for it every day! You should never insult a child's biological parent! It can be horribly destructive to a child who already lacks self confidence! Grow up and start being a supportive parent to your child!

Acckk!