The Love of a Child

A heartwarming piece on a Canadian woman who fought the Kenyan legal system to adopt her Kenyan son, 7 years ago.

I really enjoyed this piece, but found it unfortunate that it ended without giving a nod to the current international adoption situation in Kenya. It would have been a great way to raise awareness about this great adoption program available to Canadians, and dispel any presumptions viewers may have after watching this. IE. International adopters cannot pre-identify their child as per Hague rules, and they cannot adopt a child under 12 months as per Kenyan policy. 

Kenyan children are few and far between in the adoption community here in Canada, so we are excited to learn we have one more! 

I have watched this a couple times now, taking in all the sights and sounds, fondly missing our home away from home. 

Watch it here. 

Terminology for the Black Race.

A couple times now I have been presented with some awkwardness during conversations among friends when they are not so sure how to refer to 'black' people. To reduce the discomfort, I'm usually quick to fill in the blanks for them. Kenyan, African, or Black.

The times are changing, and what was acceptable when we were younger, is no longer. It's hard to keep up, especially if you aren't in a position to use them on a daily basis. Below is a list of the most commonly accepted terminology when discussing people of different races/ethnic backgrounds.

Race refers to the physical features of a person, largely their skin colour.

Zahra is Black.

I am White.

Culture - The characteristics of a particular group of people, defined by everything from language, religion, cuisine, social habits, music and arts.

In this case, we would say Zahra is Kenyan.
However, in Kenya, many will often refer to their individual 'tribe'. Kikuyu, Luo, Maasai etc.

Nationality - 90% of the time, nationality refers to the place where the person was born and/or holds citizenship. However, often times nationality can be determined by place of residence, ethnicity, or national identity.

Zahra is Canadian and Kenyan, and holds citizenship in both places. But will identify herself as a Canadian, as that is where she lives.

Heritage generally refers to your ancestors.

Zahra is Kenyan.
I am English, Irish, Scottish, German, Metis... geez could we through any more in the pot?

We are an Interracial (or transracial) family.

Skin Colour - When we speak specifically about the color of Zahra's skin, it is brown. Not black. We would never point to her skin and say her skin colour is black, nor would you point to my skin colour and say it is white, because it is 'tanned' or 'pink', etc. This would come into context if she were drawing a picture of herself, etc.

Geographically, she is 'African'.

I am 'American'. Although, in the Americas, we seem to associate 'American' with the US, so we stick with Canadian.

Terms that are not acceptable -

Blanket Terminology - Many people instinctively want to call Black people African American. This is not the correct terminology unless you happen to know if they indeed are from Africa, and have US citizenship. After all, there are many Black people on our continent that come from Haiti, Jamaica etc. If you are unsure of someones ethnicity, you call them Black or of African/Caribbean descent.

"People of Colour' or 'Coloured' - is no longer acceptable. It is seen as an euphemism and considered offensive.

When speaking of people of mixed race, we call them 'mixed race' or biracial.
Half Caste - is not acceptable.
Mulatto - although it sounds all exotic and polite, actually means 'mix of horse and donkey'. So you can see why this is falling out of the acceptable category.

The 'N' word is not acceptable at all. Ever. Period.

I hope this helps clarify! :)

Adoptive parents ROCK. Period.

In the light of all the recent bad publicity surrounding international adoption, due to a select few news stories... I'd like to take a moment, outside all of the accusations and judgements painted on international adoptions, to bring some positivity and light to the other 99%. Unfortunately, an extreme few sometimes tends to taint the whole group, when in fact, most adoptive parents are simply amazing! 

 

No, this is not about tooting my own horn. Yes, I happen to fit the title of adoptive parent... but this post is really a heart felt message for those who came before me... (with out you, there would not have been an 'adoptive me') and those who continue to knock my socks off with your desire and passion, and the work you do for the orphans of the world!! 

 

It makes me sad to see such negativity around such a beautiful thing and the fall out landing on the amazing folks known as adoptive parents. It's nonsense and needs to stop, cause quite frankly, you have earned your badge of honor.

 

 

The world needs to understand who adoptive parents are, and what you have gone through to become one.

 

You had the courage to do what many can't even imagine. You went out on that ledge and you leaped. To follow your hearts whim, when your head gave you 100 reasons not to.

 

You slaved over applications, biographies, ordered original copies of everything from your birth certificates (the long form!), to your last bank statement... and copied them all in triplicate. Thousands of pages later, many late nights and paper cuts to show for it.

 

You prayed. You fretted. Wrung your hands dry, wondering how you would ever come up with the money. You fundraised, worked weekends, had garage sales, collected bottles, counted your pennies, accessed your lines of credit and got an adoption loan.

 

You spent many sleepless nights, and crying sessions in the shower, wondering and worrying what type of trauma your baby had gone through or was currently going through, and you didn't even know their name.

 

You purchased and read every book published on adoption, attachment and trauma. You watched videos and documentaries. You know every adoption blog out there and the authors by their 'real' first names.

You learned how to use Yahoo and Google groups, and even opened up a Facebook account to better connect you to the adoption community.

 

You endured hours and hours of interviews by a social worker whom asked you personal questions like, "Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship?".

 

You cleaned your closets, top of your cupboards and scrubbed walls, to only have the social worker not even look there.

 

You drove hours to be biometrically fingerprinted to prove you are not a criminal, only to find out that you will always have to say, 'yes' (followed by an explanation - cause you now sound like a criminal!) every time the border officer asks you if you have been fingerprinted.

 

You had scans, needles and fingers prodded in personal places to prove your health.

 

You took time off work, flew or drove many miles to attend your AEP. Otherwise known as the Adoption Education Program.

 

You attended seminars about the FASD child and Attachment Parenting.

 

You decorated the baby room, collected little shoes, rain coats and hats, without the slightest clue of when they would ever be able to be put to use.

 

You stressed and worried... made repeated emails and phone calls to your agency, hoping they would submit documents on time.

 

You chased your dossier around the world via Fedex tracking like a child tracks Santa on Christmas Eve on NORAD.

 

You waited and waited and waited and waited and waited. For many of you, it was an Elephant's gestation. You learned that waiting, can be the most difficult thing to do.

 

You took up learning the birth language of your soon to be child. You started eating and learning how to make foods you couldn't even pronounce.

 

Champagne and cigars... you cried tears of joy and shouted off the mountain tops when you FINALLY got your referral.

You instantly fell in love with a child on a piece of a paper.

You stalked blogs, websites and facebook pages, trying to get a small glimpse of him/her.

 

You flew thousands of miles, across the world to meet your new child. Some of you flew several times, over a long duration of time, as the legal side of the adoption was processed.

 

Some of you uprooted your lives and moved to foreign countries to fulfill residency. You put your jobs on hold, left friends, family and pets behind to be with your little one.

 

You endured the scrutiny and questioning yet again, from a few more different departments, this time in the birth country of your child. You were asked questions like, "Is your relationship Monogamous?" and "Have you ever had more than one wife?".

 

You ran all over a foreign city, taxi hopping one place to another as you chased down documents. You pleaded with government officials and cried at the counter of the Visa issuing embassy.

 

You wiped runny noses, medicated scalp fungus, and tackled ring worm.. several times as it made it's way through your family. You scooped poop into little viles... and we all know how great parasite poo smells!

 

You learned how to braid and care for skin and hair that is so completely different from yours. You learned why night caps are so important and the wonders of coconut oil.

 

And some of you went beyond...

 

Some of you did all this on your own as a single parent.

 

Some of you intentionally made the decision to adopt the 'unadoptable'.

The child with HIV. The child with FASD. The child with Down Syndrome. The child with cleft palate. The child with conditions and birth defects that I didn't even know existed. Children that were diagnosed with death sentences and left to die. Children with such abusive, traumatic pasts that they don't even know how to love. Who does that?!

 

YOU DID THAT!

You are angels in disguise, on this earthly planet, you are.

 

You did this all why?

 

I'm sorry... but put your humble hat away. It's more than doing it to become a parent.

Sure, for some of you that is where is your story started... but then the story changed you.

 

The sacrifices. The dedication. The commitment. 

 

 You did it to save the life of  a child. You did it to give a child a family. You did it to give a child what they deserve - a better life. You did it, because if you didn't - who would? You did it out of love and compassion and you certainly wouldn't have changed a thing!

 

It wasn't easy... hell, it was probably the most difficult thing you have ever done. But it was worth it!

 

So the next time you feel like your put in a position to defend your decision to adopt continents away, a child that doesn't look like you or is considered 'special needs'; or when you feel assaulted by misjudgements, criticism and blanket statements as the negativity around international adoption escalates...

 

Remember how many people (like me!) you have inspired. How appreciated and respected you are. Remember how many lives you have changed as a result of your journey, as the effects 'ripple' on.

 

Sure, your just the same as anyone else... but with a little 'sprinkle' of amazing.

 At least give yourself that.

 

 

 

I truly believe the responsibility of the orphan lies with us all. Some of us act... and others play a supportive role. But none of it would happen with out you... the adoptive parent.

 

I want to thank you.

 

Thank you for your bravery and commitment. The fight that you fight every day... to parent children from tough places and the fight you fought to get them there.

 

Thank you.

 

Thank you for following the pain in your heart, having enough faith to let it lead you, and enough courage to follow it through.

 

You are all salt of the earth people - and I'm proud to say I know you.

 

Thank you. 

Ugh.

Muffin had a sleep over on the weekend. At some point during the evening this conversation took place.

(They were playing Barbies, and she noticed a black Barbie that Muffin had stored in the corner, saving it for Zahra.)

Showing enough cleavage? Wardrobe malfunction. I'm not a huge Barbie fan... But I finally gave in when Muffin was 7. After all, I played with them as a child... and it didn't do that much damage!

Girl: "Can we open that?"

Muffin: "No, we are saving it."

Girl: "Why?"

Muffin: "Because it's for Zahra."

Girl: "She's an ugly Barbie."

Muffin: "Why do you think it's ugly?"

Girl: "Because she's black."

Muffin.... speechless

Girl: "Wait. Is Zahra gonna be black?"

Muffin: "Yes, she's African."

Girl: "Oh."

End of conversation.

I am new to this journey, and learning my way through it. I don't have all the answers. Together Muffin and I spoke about why she may have said this, and what responses she could have given. We decided that the one she felt most comfortable with is asking her why she thinks black is ugly, and then following up by leading as an example and saying that she thinks people of all colour are beautiful.

What is the response that came to my mind first? "How would you feel if someone told you that you were ugly because you are white?"
This is what would have come out of my mouth... yup. I realize this is a hostile response, and perhaps not the best. At least, Muffin didn't think it was very nice.

As time goes on, I am sure we will get better at developing appropriate responses. I don't want them to feel like they are full time advocates, guardians, or teachers, but I do want them to learn how to respond in these situations to encourage the other person to think and feel... hopefully to eliminate any further inappropriate comments.

This is the beginning of a learning process for our children.

By affiliation, they will be witness to how cruel people can be.

They wouldn't otherwise have any idea how intolerant people can be, or the prejudices that exist.

Their white privilege would have protected them from all that.

I am happy that they will have this insight.

I am sad that they will have to feel hurt, and disappointment from people they care about.

I am sad that it will cause them distress to know that others may think less of their baby sister because of her skin colour. 

But, I couldn't ask for any more loving, caring, understanding children for Zahra to look up to as her older siblings. 

Read a book - give a book - all for FREE!

Adding to the family requires preparation. Adding an adopted child of color requires even more preparation.

You become sensitive not only to the fact that this child will be joining our family by way of adoption, but also that this child will come from a different culture and race. We look at the toys and the books. Is there a good representation of cultural and racial diversity? What about books with adopted children, interracial families - families that may resemble ours? Do we have dolls that will resemble our child?

It is part of our white privilege to never have to think about these things when having 'white' children. If you have never had to think about it - you certainly have never tried to locate a black doll in small town Canada either! It's almost worse than trying to find the remote in my house!

SO... to get back on track... I was looking online for books targeted for the younger audience that fit the above description. Luckily, there are some amazing books out there - so my list is growing quite large. (Yes, you'll know what to get us for birthdays and Christmas! ;)

BUT... I stumbled on a very cool website that allows you to register for free, and read books online for free! And if that isn't good enough - every single time you read one book, they donate a book to a child in need! FOR FREE! Does it get any better? Not really - so you should head on over to We Give Books and start reading! ;)

*If you too are an adoptive parent looking for reading material to add to your library, you may find the video "The Danger of a Single Story" enlightening!

Trayvon - and some great articles.

This is such a sad story. There are a few great articles that I would like to share with you.

How to Talk to Young Boys about Trayvon Martin

Let's hope that something good comes out of all this, and his death will have some meaning. There are too many 'white' people who don't acknowledge that there is white privilege or understand the implications of being 'black'. To quote this article 'When a White Boy Wears a Hoodie':

Yet we live in a world where people deny racial issues still exist. They do not even understand white privilege. They actively cry ‘reverse racism’ as if they are the victim. They even have the nerve to call those who fight for racial equality ‘race baiters,’ ’racers’ and have attempted to spin and twist and re-write history as if THEY have lost out because Americans owned slaves and those slaves were oppressed for generations, after which they were then oppressed under Jim Crow and then under the institutionalized racism that continues to permeate our culture today.

Transracial Adoption

I have stumbled across some great resources in the last few days that I thought I would share. The first one basically sums up what we as transracially adopted parents will have to strive to achieve for our children.

A Transracially-Adopted Child's Bill of Rights
Adapted by Liza Steinberg Triggs from "A Bill of Rights for Mixed Folks," by Marilyn Dramé

• Every child is entitled to love and full membership in her family.
• Every child is entitled to have his culture embraced and valued.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that this is a race conscious society.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that she will experience life differently than they do.
• Every child is entitled to parents who are not looking to "save" him or to improve the world.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that being in a family doesn't depend on "matching."
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that transracial adoption changes the family forever.
• Every child is entitled to be accepted by extended family members.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that, if they are white, they benefit from racism.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that they can't transmit the child's birth culture if it is not their own.
• Every child is entitled to have items at home that are made for and by people of his race.
• Every child is entitled to opportunities to make friends with people of her race or ethnicity.
• Every child is entitled to daily opportunities of positive experiences with his birth culture.
• Every child is entitled to build racial pride within her own home, school, and neighborhood.
• Every child is entitled to have many opportunities to connect with adults of the child's race.
• Every child is entitled to parents who accept, understand and empathize with her culture.
• Every child is entitled to learn survival, problem-solving, and coping skills in a context of racial pride.
• Every child is entitled to take pride in the development of a dual identity and a multicultural/multiracial perspective on life.
• Every child is entitled to find his multiculturalism to be an asset and to conclude, "I've got the best of both worlds."

The second is some tips on how to achieve this...

Parenting Tips for White Parents with Adopted Children of Color

by Sun Yung Shin

1. Live in or move to, if you have to, a multicultural, racially and ethnically diverse neighborhood. Make sure your child regularly interacts with people of color in a variety of ways.

2. Study and learn about whiteness and white privilege. Don't waste time and energy in feeling guilty. Guilt is a luxury of those with privilege. Embrace the opportunity to work for social justice. Study and learn how to be an active anti-racist, and then do it.

3. Understand that even if your child is, for example, ethnically Chinese, she or he will be perceived as "Asian American" or simply "Asian" (or worse, Oriental). Understand the complex and interrelated history of various groups of color in America. Don't overemphasize traditions from the culture of origin at the expense of dealing with race in America.

4. Be prepared to teach your child how to directly respond to racist comments, questions and incidents. (You'll have to learn this from adults of color). Never make excuses for others. Never brush off these incidents as insignificant or isolated.

5. Be prepared for friends and family to be confused or even offended by your anti-racist work. Be patient with them and let them know about your new priorities. Continue to make friends of all races who are interested in making America a truly equitable nation.

6. Avoid saying or thinking that, "I'm ___________ too now that I have a child from __________." That's simply offensive and insulting to all the people who are really __________ and don't get to "choose."  Understand the difference between nationality, race, ethnicity and culture -- and how they overlap (or don't overlap) for your child and your family.

7. Study and learn about your child's culture(s) of origin, not from North American and/or white writers but from writers and historians from within that (those) culture(s).

8. Understand how gender and sexuality operate in your child's culture(s) of origin.

9. Understand that even if your child is disinterested in her or his culture of origin, she or he will be impacted by how the American mainstream perceives that culture.

10. Support the artistic expression and adoption-related professional work of adult adoptees -- if only because your child will eventually be an adult adoptee.

11. Study the history of inequalities in terms of reproductive rights (who gets to have a safe abortion, who gets to keep their children, who is considered a socially accepted mother) in this country before criticizing the sexism or patriarchy in other cultures (or communities). Consider how you can invest in your child's home community so that women and families . . . people who look like your child . . . will not "have to" send their children away.