The Love of a Child

A heartwarming piece on a Canadian woman who fought the Kenyan legal system to adopt her Kenyan son, 7 years ago.

I really enjoyed this piece, but found it unfortunate that it ended without giving a nod to the current international adoption situation in Kenya. It would have been a great way to raise awareness about this great adoption program available to Canadians, and dispel any presumptions viewers may have after watching this. IE. International adopters cannot pre-identify their child as per Hague rules, and they cannot adopt a child under 12 months as per Kenyan policy. 

Kenyan children are few and far between in the adoption community here in Canada, so we are excited to learn we have one more! 

I have watched this a couple times now, taking in all the sights and sounds, fondly missing our home away from home. 

Watch it here. 

Poop Diaries. Giardias Lambia in adopted children.

Warning: The following DOES show graphic poop photos and details. Finish your lunch first. This is a must read for all of you with children from overseas.

Disclosure - I am not a Doctor. I am research driven adoptive parent with more experience on this matter than I care to have.

This parasite infection has been quite a journey for us. Over a year long in fact. While I don't really like the idea of publicizing my daughter's medical (or poop!) details, I believe it's an important message.

Fact is, I have seen many photos of your children's swollen bellies on blogs and Facebook, and I happen to know there are many of you who have not gotten your children tested because you see no symptoms. Well let me enlighten you and gross you the heck out.

Honestly, I believe it to be very rare for any adopted child from Africa (and other third world countries) to be free and clear of parasites/worms. Many orphanages 'deworm' every 6 months, but let me tell you, this only kills some infections, and many others are simply building up resistance to these commonly used meds. A general dewormer (typically Albendazole) is not very effective against Giardia and other protozoans. In fact, Albendazole is known to be as little as 35% effective. I do not understand why it is so commonly believed and trusted to kill everything. Some parasites can, will, and do kill children, and yet they are completely unsuspected because the children are dewormed every six months.

I know, I know... your child is fine, no diarrhea, no stomach cramps. Heck, being the diligent parent you are, you even had him tested! (Big pat on the back for being proactive, seriously, but it's not over. Read on...)

Giardiasis does not always present itself with symptoms, and HAVING A NEGATIVE FECAL TEST DOES NOT MEAN YOUR CHILD DOES NOT HAVE PARASITES. You must test clear for a minimum of 3 tests!

Now for the mumbo jumbo technicalities...

Giardia Lambia is also known as Beaver Fever here in North America and is the most common parasite infection among adopted children. Because of this, I believe it is quickly becoming resilient to mainstream medicines.

Giardia, as with many parasites, coat the lining of the small intestines, blocking nutrient absorption, possibly causing lactose intolerance and irritable bowel syndrome. This is a worse case situation for a child living in an orphanage setting. Often, these children lack great nutrition as is, so it is important that they can absorb as much nutrients as possible. Secondly, many babies are put on cows milk early due to the cost of formula. I cannot tell you how many illnesses and rashes we have seen due to lactose intolerance in Kenya.

What are the symptoms?

According to Wikipedia, symptoms include the following:  loss of appetite, diarrhea, hematuria (blood in urine), loose or watery stool, stomach cramps, upset stomach, projectile vomiting (uncommon), bloating, excessive gas, and burping (often sulfurous). 

However, many times children will not show any symptoms, or the symptoms may be so insignificant, it goes unnoticed.

When we first got Zahra, she was a big healthy girl.

She certainly didn't display any signs of malnutrition. However - the very first thing I did was take her to the lab for Fecal testing.

Why?

1. She was big and healthy, but also sported this bloated belly. Z will always be curvy, it's in her genetic make up, but I had suspicions that this belly was a little bigger than it should have been.

2. Her stools were pale in color, thin and 'greasy' or soft. Now I believe this to be a key symptom to watch for, even if you child displays no other symptoms. I also believe that this is likely the most over looked symptom of this infection.

First time parents do not always know what color the child's stool should be, texture or consistency. Especially if the child is still on milk bottles and/or wearing diapers!

The answer is simple, the child should have stools like a healthy adult. Once a day is normal for a 3 year old, well formed and medium brown in color.

If your child is still in diapers, but on solid food, the stools should be the same. Actually, stools should be formed well enough that they can roll off the diaper into the toilet. Diaper explosions may accurately describe an infant with Giardiasis. Again, the key is to make note of the color.

I cannot stress this point enough and don't think I can get the point across without a visual. I apologize in advance, but you need to see this to know what I am talking about.

This is what we have lovingly coined in my house 'Parasite Poo' vs normal poo.

The key differences are: Parasite poo is softer, 'greasier', and pale in colour. It usually is not as well formed as it is in this picture, but more thin. (Sorry, didn't have a selection of photos to choose from.) It also usually stinks more, but hey - poo is poo and it all stinks, so you can't really rely on that.

THIS IS PARASITE POO.
It is not diarrhea, It is not grey, and it could easily pass by a unsuspecting parent as 'normal'.

Zahra went from passing a bit of stool every time she went pee (at the height of her infection), to having this stool once - twice a day.

3. My child was born and raised in a developing nation that struggles with clean water and sanitation.

Giardia is passed in Feces (poop). Typically found in untreated water, and therefore contracted when ingested. HOWEVER, It does not matter that your child came from the best orphanage, with world class hygiene, and clean drinking water. The problem is that many of the children (and staff) who come into the home are not from places that have clean drinking water sanitation, or good hygiene practices. If they have Giardiasis, it is very easily passed on in orphanages.

Giardiasis is contracted by swallowing Giardia picked up from surfaces such as bathroom handles, change tables, toys, handshakes, swimming pools etc. I simply do not know how any orphanage can be free of this risk. Most orphanages bathe multiple children in the same bath water. Many orphanage staff workers will change several poopy diapers before washing their hands.

All it takes is for a microscopic trace of poo on the caretaker's hand, she grabs the hand of the next child to change their diaper, and the child later sticks his fingers in his mouth. Also, we all know children are germ spreading, filthy creatures. They will stick their hands down their pants and then finger all the toys... they don't care. How many orphanages have the children wash their hands with soap before they eat? Many do not have the resources to do so before every meal or snack.

You get my point. Almost impossible to prevent, and almost a guarantee that your child has it.

4. Zahra would periodically complain of tummy pain, particularly after eating. I didn't necessarily link it to an infection, in fact I was starting to wonder if she had sensitivities to dairy, but it was still a possible symptom of parasite infection.

Zahra tested positive on her first sample in Kenya. We immediately invested in a lot of hand sanitizer and became religious hand washers. (Although truth was, we were before as we knew the risks were high.)

Prevention is key. We were lucky that none of us contracted this parasite from her. No bath sharing, and lots of hand washing... (also a quick introduction to potty training) is what kept us healthy.

The Doctor in Kenya prescribed us a seven day course of Flagyl, also known as Metronidazole.  This was absolutely a horrible experience for us as Z did not like sweet things and the medicine was compounded to taste like bubble gum.

I had to hold her down, plug her nose, fight her kicking and screaming to administer it! (The electrician actually came up to our 5th floor apartment one day to ask why she cries so loud. Then one day he witnessed it himself... and went away tsking and shaking his head.)

It was awful! If I knew then what I know now... I would not have treated her at this time. It was too early in our bonding period.

After treatment, she was better for 1 week until the symptoms returned. Months later, we repeated the treatment with the same results. I had a Canadian pharmacist confirm the doses, and the medicine was obtained from a Western Doctor in a upscale hospital, at a very reputable pharmacy. There was nothing wrong with the dosage, or the medicine - well, aside from the fact that it is not effective! (Doctors in your hometown will automatically assume that your child was not 'properly' treated due to the perception of lack of quality med care. In some cases this could be correct, but in the case of Kenya, it is not.)

Upon returning to Canada, we immediately had her tested again. She tested positive again as we suspected. Our Doctor wanted to subscribe her with Flagyl again. I refused. This medicine is not pleasant stuff... administering it, and on our little one's bodies. I refused to have her go through that again for nothing.

Our Doctor consulted with a pediatrician at the Children's Hospital in Vancouver for an alternative medicine. He simply recommended Flagyl. Once again, I refused.

Where the heck are the adoption specialist Doctors? I have yet to hear of a case of Giardias in an adopted child successfully being treated by Flagyl!

So I hit FB and the message boards to get an answer from the experts - Adoptive Parents.

What I discovered was many of them had similar stories! In fact, friends of ours had a little one (Baby 'B') who was treated twice in country (after 2 negative test results!!) and was referred to a specialist here in Canada who had him treated two more times with Flagyl before they would even consider other alternatives! 1 - 2 - 3 - FOUR times this 2 yr old was treated with Flagyl in one year, with no effect! (And did you catch it - he tested negative twice before being tested positive. This is a sneaky bug folks.)

What IS the effective treatment?

Tinidazole.

This is what the parents were telling me, and my research confirmed it. Article after article listed Tinidazole as the most effective treatment. Why they continue to prescribe Flagyl is beyond me. Some articles even cited the effectiveness being 90% vs 35%! in Flagyl

Unfortunately, it took me 2 months to get my hands on this as the pharmacy later told my Doctor it was not available in Canada. I will not bore you with the details, but after contacting a compounding pharmacy 12 hours from me, I discovered this was not the truth. This drug is absolutely available in Canada. However, it is not available at your regular pharmacy. You must obtain it from a Compounding Pharmacy. In our case it took a couple weeks for them to get it in and compound it.

We were told it tastes like chocolate as that masks the flavor of everything. Wrong. This stuff has to be the most vile tasting medicine in the world. I tasted the smallest amount on my finger, and it was equivalent to chewing an entire bottle of aspirin and then swishing. However, it is only a single dose.

Zahra being older, and more trusting of us, it wasn't as nearly the painful experience as her other treatments. The reward (big buttered piece of bread - yes, she still loves her bread!) was worth swallowing this for.

Within a few days, we started to notice changes in her stools and eventually her belly came down.

She lost 1.75" around her waist, which is a considerable amount for her 21" inch belly!

She also now eats a fraction (1/2) of what she used to eat in the orphanage a year and a half ago, but yet has literally grown through 2 clothing sizes within 3 months of being treated (50% to 78% on the growth percentile chart)!

*Update - Baby 'B', who first charted under the growth scale, was finally charting at 15% after one year (and a lot of effort on the parent's end). However, within 3 weeks of being successfully treated, he gained enough weight and height (3.5 cms!!) to be charting at the 35% mark!

In many of our visits and work with orphanages, we always wondered how on earth those babies could eat SO much, but yet remain so tiny! It all makes sense now... malabsorption. Food literally going to waste.

So there you have it, our poop diaries.

I hope this post will not only help you identify possible infection, but save you time and grief as well. Please, have your child tested 3 times upon returning to country. Giardiasis is typically not fatal, but many other parasite infection are and can also go undetected.

If your child is 3+ and has been diagnosed with Giardiasis, don't be afraid to ask for Tinidazole right from the start.

Baby 'B' was 2 yrs old and therefore was prescribed Nitazoxanide (Alinia).

I know poop isn't a glamorous topic, but it's important that we share this information. I couldn't find any blog posts on this topic when we were going through this, which is why it was important to me to write about it.

This is an important issue, one that all adopting parents should know about! Please share this with your adopting friends.

See the CDC page for information on how to minimize the risk of contracting and spreading Giardia infection.

The truth of our attachment, biological vs. adopted.

I know many people look at us and wonder how it is going.

They ask, and I reply that it is going great.

I know they think I am lying.

I know they probably wonder how,or IF I love this adopted child of mine the same as my homegrown children.

The truth is, this is exactly what I wondered during our adoption process. Remember this post I wrote 2.5 yrs ago?? (At the time we were considering adoption from the US.)

The biggest mystery to me was attachment/bonding with adopted children vs. biological children.

Would I ever love this little person the same as my others?

Would she love me as my biological children do?

How long would it take?

I searched blogs, articles and forums... and being the self proclaimed 'Google Master' that I am, I could not find one article or post that referred to this. This saddens me. I think truth telling in adoption is so important. I hope that opening up to you all, can encourage you to do the same. Don't be ashamed about what you feel, or what you don't feel. It's not a fairy tale. This is real life and your feelings are normal. We need to start talking about them.

Of course, every adoption situation is unique. These are my opinions based on my experience, and my thoughts about it all are still developing, and may very well change.  Many factors play a role in our attachment. Her age, (I do believe attachment/bonding likely takes longer the older the child), her immediate attachment to me, and the fact that I have other children would mean less of a stressful transition for us, but perhaps less one on one time etc. I don't know if there is a general formula out there, and as I mentioned, I really have not read of anyone else discussing this. If you have any experience or thoughts, I'd love to hear them.  

I also want to add that this post will likely be edited 10,000 times as I know many adopting families struggle with infertility issues, and I do not want this post to be at all offensive or hurtful to those unable to have biological children. In the same breath, I hope this post can help them identify where their own attachment successes or failures lie.

I often ponder the experiences of the adopting family with no biological children to the experience of the adopting family with biological children. I would love to research this. I'm a bit of a born people watcher I have reality show addiction tendencies... so things like this fascinate me. How does their bonding/attachment differ, or does it?

I obviously cannot speak to the experience of having only an adopted child, so I can only speculate how things differ looking at it from my experience. When we speak of attachment - I wonder if there is a way to measure attachment if you don't have something to compare it to? In the post I referred to from 2.5 yrs ago (above), I mentioned that I had come across statistics that indicated that there is a higher risk of adoption failure if you adopt before having a biological child. Does it make it more difficult for parents without biological children to identify attachment difficulties? I remember not 'knowing' if I was or was not attached to my first born, until I most definitely was. (Also explained in the post.)

6 months ago, I brought up 'attachment' at one of our adoption meetings. To open the doorway of conversation, I spoke of my attachment with Zahra as not being the same as it was with my biological children when they were same age. I went in depth with it, and the response I got was silence. Were they just being private and reserved; did they really think that their attachment was 100%, OR perhaps, maybe they didn't know?

Here is the thing about attachment with your biological children, as a point of reference.

Bio - The bond starts as the baby grows in your belly. Baby reacts to your voice and movement... you start interacting with each other and you get to know one another during this 9 months.

Adopt - During the years it often takes for the process, you do start love this little being you know nothing about, but is no bonding at this stage.

Bio - Hormones

Pregnancy/Labour causes the release of Oxytocin, dubbed the 'Love Hormone', it is an indispensable part of Mother/Child bonding. It is often to be referred to as nature’s chief tools for creating a mother. "In the first few moments after birth women receive the largest rush of oxytocin that they will ever experience in their lifetime. Oxytocin continues to surge between mom and baby each time the baby is at the breast cultivating bonding and attachment that lays the foundation for our capacity to love."

Adoption - Is there a stress hormone that assists with bonding? Ha. Too bad, we would have had it made in the shade! In adoption, oxytocin has to be coaxed out and nurtured with physical touch, games and laughter with your little one. Little by little... in a much slower fashion than the surge we are given during pregnancy/birth.

Bio - Baby smells like you. "High oxytocin causes a mother to become familiar with the unique odor of her newborn infant, and once attracted to it, to prefer her own baby’s odor above all others’. Baby is similarly imprinted on mother, deriving feelings of calmness and pain reduction along with mom. When the infant is born, he is already imprinted on the odor of his amniotic fluid. This odor imprint helps him find mother’s nipple, which has a similar but slightly different odor. In the days following birth, the infant can be comforted by the odor of this fluid"

Adoption - Baby/Child most certainly does not smell like you.

Bio - Your DNA - you take responsibility and ownership over the good and the bad. Curly hair and sense of humor?... he takes after your side of the family. Big nose and stubborn? Yep, he must have gotten that from your hubbies side. Good or bad, you own it, you love it.

Adoption - Sorry, you cannot take responsibility for the good or the bad. The good is great, the bad can get under your skin.

While bonding with your bio baby can differ person to person, nature is on your side, and it typically happens soon after labour. This bond is so very difficult to put into words... but I will try my best to explain it.

The bond is a feeling of - you never have loved another being as much as this, and you couldn't possibly being able to love them one bit more.

You want to squish them into a million tiny pieces.

You want to inhale them.

You want to eat them right up.

You would throw yourself in front of a speeding bus to save them.  Instinctively, and without hesitation.

No other being will ever come before this child of yours.

IF you question whether you have attachment like this, I dare say, you do not. This is a bond that is known. You would not question it.

That being said, I can tell you that 6 months ago, when I sat in that adoption meeting... I meant what I said. "I do not feel as attached to Zahra as I did to my other children when they were 2."

A good friend replied, "No, but do you feel as attached to her as you did to your children when they were only 6 months old?" She was smart to approach it this way, but the answer was still 'No'.

Let's back this up to where our attachment story starts.

As many of you may know by now, Zahra was not your typical child in the orphanage. She was very selective of who she liked and who she wanted to care for her. She did not seek attention from visitors. In fact, she would often withdraw and retreat to the back of the room at a safe distance and observe, wanting not to draw any attention to herself. It seemed like it took forever before I could touch her without her recoiling. However, once she decided to allow me 'in'... it was full on. She did not take this lightly. It was at this moment, when she threw all her love and devotion to me, that she 'unattached' from her caregivers. Even her favorites, from whom she had since birth.

I had read every book on attachment. I attended workshops. I watched videos. I had prepared myself for every single situation but the one that landed on my lap. I did not have to use a single tool to assist in her attachment or bonding. She played the fiddle, and I sang along. I followed her cues. She did not want another person to feed her, dress her, comfort her, hold her, carry her... etc. I was it. She slept on my chest for 4 nights straight, and has been in bed beside me since. I carried her heavy little body around 24/7 for the first month. I don't think she walked more than 100 feet during this month. For 3 months solid, I did this at her demand. She only did 2 other things with people other than myself.

 We had a rule that only Daddy washed her hands. She loved to wash her hands, and we needed to establish something that could facilitate their bond and give Mommy a quick (very!) break. So washing hands was a Daddy duty.

Secondly, she would happily play with Muffin and Mister... occasionally allowing Muffin to pick her up.

Zahra has never inappropriately gone to other people. Ever. She is shy and reserved and will only 'appropriately' interact with others after she knows you well and is comfortable around you. Anyone who knows her, can attest to this. She appropriately cries for Mommy when she is hurt, when she is sad, or hungry etc. She 'checks in' with me during play and stays close when we are in public. If you only viewed her attachment, you would swear that she came from my womb.

As per Zahra's cues, it wasn't until after 3 months that she started to allow others to come into her world a bit more. Today she behaves as either of our bio children did towards me and others at the same age. She is not as bonded with Daddy... which is simply a reflection of working long hours since we have been home. To assist in their attachment, Daddy does 'bedtime routine' and will often come and take her to a business meeting or to run errands when and where he can. (Read - He takes her out for pizza and ice cream.)

We are so amazingly blessed in this regard as I know how many of you struggle with these issues. I wish all adoption attachment was this easy.

The struggle in our attachment was not on Zahra's end. It was my struggle. Going back to that 6 month mark... I do believe that my attachment to her was what would be perceived as 'normal' in adoption at 6 months. Did I love her? You bet I did! Would I defend her with everything I had? Sure I would! But did I have that crazy fiercely devoted, want to eat you up, crazy kind of love? No, I did not.

We are in a unique situation being able to 'measure' and 'quantify' attachment when we have biological children. It made me well aware that I had work to do. I thought about it and pondered long into many nights. How could I put my finger on the differences of my feelings between my adopted and biological children?

I started with this...

First of all, she did not smell like me. This was a very strange irritation. The very first thing I did when we got her home was to give her a bath. She wasn't dirty... they had just bathed her at the orphanage. But I wanted to get the smell off her. What was the smell? I don't know...? Most likely, it was just the smell of not being my smell. It was weeks before she finally started to smell like mine.

Secondly, she came to us with habits from a previous life. Spitting on the floor (which only happened twice thank goodness). Throwing garbage on the ground or floor. Colouring in every story book she got her hands on. Squirreling food away in her cheeks. Strange things that my other children never did. Behaviours created from an environment that was not mine.

Thirdly, I could not take ownership over her. (Ownership - terrible descriptive I know. I am going to assume dear reader, you know I don't mean ownership like 'my car'. I mean a feeling of direct responsibility over something entirely, as you have for your biological child .) I could not take responsibility over her physical features, nor her behaviours, or her actions. This sometimes made it difficult to 'love' the bad with the good.

After processing my feelings, I slowly started to develop ways to combat these issues.

I made a super yummy hair/skin lotion from organic ingredients with a few drops of some lovely vanilla fragrance. I made it by hand, then I applied it to her everyday. Massaged it in her scalp and skin and then applied to my own skin. Did you ever hear how they get a nursing cow to accept a calf of another? They sprinkle them both with baby powder! Okay, so... same idea here.

With time, she lost the tendencies or habits that she came to us with, and started to develop new ones. She started to love pizza and ice cream. She soon realized that books were for reading, and colouring books were a whole different thing. Snickering with the other kids, at Daddy when he 'Shoota'd' (you can guess what that means!)... Staying up late and sleeping in. She soon loved swimming, airplane rides on our feet and puppies. Overtime, she developed some of our mannerisms and took on our interests. Time managed this one. I couldn't really assist much with this other than giving her a safe and loving environment that allowed her to feel comfortable enough to try new things and have fun.

I also found it helpful, in those moments of exhaustion... to remember where she came from. The days when I feel tired of carrying her around, or find my patience wearing thin when she just won't swallow the food in her mouth, or if she has had a particularly whiny day. We don't have a shared history, prenatally or a birth process that bonded us to ease me through these days. But what I can do is sit down, take a few minutes, and remember the trauma she must of felt when she was abandoned by her birth Mother. The days she spent alone in the hospital, and the years she spent in the orphanage without a forever family. The sick days when she didn't have a Mommy to curl up with and take a nap. The fear I know she would have felt when strangers came and picked her up out of her crib, and how she missed out on having the security of knowing that the person who tucks her in at night will be there when she wakes in the morning. Empathy, helps lengthen my patience and certainly softens me, allowing me to love (and like!) her during these tough times. For this to be even more effective, (and for other obvious reasons!) I really recommend that you, the adoptive parent, investigate your child's background as much as possible. Visit the hospital where they were born, or the area... talk to the village chiefs, officials etc that were involved. It really helps to have a greater understanding and to help visualize the path that our children have taken.

The ownership one is still one we work on everyday. The first thing I knew I had to do, was to change her name. I know, I started calling her Zahra long before I knew who she was, and I had said that we would likely change her name... but I still struggled with the morality of changing one's name. On top of that, we did really like the only name she knew. To clarify, Zahra was given a name at birth (which was her legal name), but she was never called by this name. She was nicknamed 'Joy' at the orphanage and this is the name she was called by and referred to as in all documents. We called her 'Joy' for the entire time in Kenya, and nicknamed her 'Zahra'. She responded to both, but legally (due to my desire to claim 'ownership'), at 6 months... we chose to call her 'Zahra Joy' on paper. Shortly, after arriving in Canada. She yelled at us one day.. correcting us after we called her 'Joy'. "NO, Zahra!"

Say what you want, believe what you want, but I almost got the feeling that she associated 'Joy' with her life before us and 'Zahra' was in reference to her new life.  To make things even stranger - every single one of us, including Zahra - refers to her as Joy when we speak about her during our time in Kenya, or when she was in the orphanage. I'll be talking Zahra's first time eating ice cream, and I refer to her as Joy. Even though we all exclusively call her Zahra now (and she corrects us if we slip up), Zahra will do the same thing. When we look at photos of when she was younger, she calls herself Joy. If I show her a photo of her in dance class from last week, she says Zahra. Weird.

Okay, I digress... but just as a side note, a 6 year old asked me yesterday, 'Did you give Zahra her name?' I never thought I would be asked this by a child! I looked at Zahra, and looked back at the girl with a smile, and proudly said, 'Yes, I did.' I then glanced back at Zahra who was beaming up at me proudly. A moment I never envisioned happening! How proud I felt (as did she!), that I, her Mother, had named her. Not to mention the relief to be able to answer 'yes' instead of having to explain the complexities of her nickname, or her first legal name, which could have lead into an uncomfortable question game as I sat crafting with 8 children, and Zahra in tow. (I know, on the other hand, it could have been a good time to educate about adoption, or I could have deflected with her middle name etc.. but at the time, I really was caught off guard, and not prepared.)

Others ways I am gaining those feelings of ownership over her is by teaching her. Ordinary things, and extraordinary things. Things that make me proud and feel like I had some responsibility in creating. Simple things like teaching her colors, songs, puzzles... how to use scissors and how to dress herself. She does them successfully, I feel proud and responsible,... scoop her up, and give her a big ol kiss for a job well done. This does induce some serious, scrunchy, munchy... love hormones.

Another important tool for me, is doing her hair and dressing her up. I mean, she loves it, soaks it up and inspires most of it, but this really gives me some ownership over some of her cuteness, since I cannot take responsibility for any of her genetics. So now, I can look at her and beam with pride... 'that's my smart looking little cookie over there!'

Now, here I sit... almost at the one year mark. Do I feel about her the same way I felt about my own children at the same age?

No.

But... and this is a big BUT... I see the light at the end of the tunnel! In fact, I think we are only a couple feet from the exit!

We are so close and I am so happy to report that I now know, this 'bond' that is created with your biological child, is indeed possible to achieve with your adopted child. I feel fortunate to have the wisdom of attachment through my experience with my biological children to that allowed me to identify areas where I was struggling. I do believe that without this, our attachment journey would be further behind.

Every day, we build on new experiences, and we inch a bit closer to that goal. I feel like we have made great strides in this last month, and I know it is because of the time I can spend alone with her at home while the kids are in school. That, and not having the stress of working, or being in an a foreign country. It's just me and her, in our comfort zone. We have time to go for tea together, the park, library, story time, swimming, dance class etc. It's wonderful, and although we cannot necessarily 'afford' for me to be off work... we cannot 'afford' for me to be away from her all day, missing this precious time.

This morning, I heard the pitter patter of her feet coming down the hallway, and I was delighted to see her as I peaked around the corner. She ran into my arms, I scooped her up, squeezed her tight, inhaling her scent deeply, and looked at her with pride... realizing, she is now 99% all mine.

Your home - now what? Post adoption responsibilities.

Unless your child has pressing health issues, I suggest just hanging low, hunkering down and getting settled in. Allow your new little one to get comfortable in their new surroundings. And, of course you need to sleep off some jet lag and get your head back in the game.

Just when you thought all the paperwork is beyond you - not quite. I know... go ahead, kick something.

You'll want to bookmark this, because you will be lacking sleep and operational brain cells when you get home. You'll need someone to hold your hand through this....

First thing to do is to apply to your Provincial Health Care Provider to 'change' your account to add your new child.

Second thing is to fill out the Canadian Citizenship Certificate Preparation Form to have them send you the Citizenship Certificate. Note - you do require a passport photo.

Thirdly - you need to apply to the Federal Government to start receiving your Universal Child Care Benefit. The benefit will be back dated from the date you started fostering the child.

Last, but not least, once you get your certificate, you can apply for a passport.

If you have not already done so, by at least the 2 month mark of your entry to Canada, you want to start making appointments for check ups and assessments. (By now you should have your Health Card. IF you need to see a Dr. prior to receiving your card, you can call the Health Dept and ask for your number, or you can pay cash and be reimbursed later.)

Start by taking your little one to a family Doctor. Preferably of African descent, or someone with experience in Africa. Your Dr. will go over the history (be sure to bring all the medical records you have!), and concerns etc. Ears, throat, eyes, heart and lungs will be checked. Be sure you relay the following to your Doctor:

Important Information for Your Child’s Doctor

(Excerpt from healthychildren.org)

Children adopted internationally often have lived in conditions of poverty with limited nutrition, limited stimulation, various traumatic events, and environmental and infectious disease hazards. As such, a comprehensive evaluation is recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) to evaluate for diseases that may be present, with no initial signs or symptoms.

Below is a list of testing that is recommended for children adopted internationally, regardless of the absence of symptoms or test results from the child’s birth country.

Growth and Nutritional Issues

• Measure length, height, weight (unclothed), and head circumference (for ALL children). Use standard CDC or WHO growth charts to determine growth percentiles.
• Growth should be monitored with further work-up done if there is not catch-up growth by 6 months after arrival in the home.
• CBC to evaluate for anemia, blood disorders. Hemoglobin electrophoresis should be done for children at risk for hemoglobinopathies.
• Lead level for environmental risks.
• TSH (in some countries the soil is deficient of iodine).
• Newborn metabolic screen up to 2 years.

Infectious Diseases

• PPD or currently recommended testing for tuberculosis exposure (this should be done even if the child was immunized with the BCG vaccine; please refer to the Red Book for more information)
• Hepatitis B virus serologic testing: Hepatitis B surface antigen (HBsAg)
• Hepatitis C virus serologic testing
• HIV serologic testing
• Testing for tuberculosis, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, and HIV should be repeated after the child has been home 6 months. (Some children may not respond initially if the incubation period is inadequate or if they are malnourished.)
• Syphilis serologic testing: RPR or VDRL, and FTA-ABS or TPPA
• Stool examination for ova and parasites (3 recommended, best collected 48 hours apart) with specific request for Giardia and Cryptosporidium testing
• Stool bacterial culture (if diarrhea present)
• Serologic testing for other parasites such as Trypanosoma cruzi, lymphatic filariasis, Strongyloides, Schistosoma species may be indicated for certain children
• Evaluate immunization status by checking antibody titers for vaccines previously given (eg, diphtheria, tetanus, polio neutralizing titers) OR repeat immunizations. (Exceptions may include children from foster homes in Korea.)

So, you should be leaving the office with some requisition forms for these tests. You want to be sure that you also get a requisition for parasite screening for yourself and any other family members.

Parasite testing is extremely important! Parasites can cause irreparable damage. I do not know of one child from Africa without at least one parasite. They can test negative, and still be positive. If your child tests negative, it is recommended to be retested in a couple of weeks. Also, just because you have treated the parasite, does not mean it is gone. Retest and test. Yes, speaking from experience here.

Next, you want to contact your local Public Health Office. Tell them you have a newly adopted child and would like a general appointment to get his/her weight/length/head circumference documented and to speak with someone about other possible assessments that may be needed (ie. speech, dental, hearing etc.

If you have the blood work back and a vaccine history, then you can consult with your public health nurse about a recommended vaccine schedule.

Next, you will want a development assessment. Public Health or your SW should be able to refer you to the right early intervention department. Public Health may even be able to do an ASQ (Ages to Stages Questionnaire) at their office. Here in the Kootenays, it is within Kootenay Family Place. This is good to have EVEN if you think your child is on schedule. It's good to have it documented, and it will be used in your Post Placement Report.

In the Kenya program, Post Placement Reports are due every 3 months for 2 years, and every 6 months for the following 3 years. (First 2 years are overkill I think... but I appreciate their thoroughness.) This involves a Social Worker visiting, interviewing you and then sending a report to your local agency who then forwards it to Kenya.

There are many things on the list of items they are supposed to cover, so it would be super helpful (and important) that you have the following available.

1. Child's current vaccine card.
2. Growth Chart
3. Results from any and all blood/stool tests.
4. The Development assessment.

Nice to include:
5. Current photo of your child
6. Picture drawn by your child (will be great for comparison to the upcoming reports.)



Z's drawing. We are learning about circles - so this is what she likes to draw.

At first, I did think this was all overkill. Being a seasoned Mom, I know that Z is healthy and developing within the normal ranges (and in fact she is well over her avg. growth range.), so I didn't really feel this was necessary. However, I think it can only be beneficial to have this documented 'officially' by professionals, rather than just my opinion, and I am very curious what her development score will be.

We are behind in our appointments as we didn't know what was required (Why I am preparing you! I hate being behind the 8 ball!). I will report back with more details of the Public Health/ ASQ visits when they are through.

Good Luck, and Congratulations on bringing your little one home!

Adoptive parents ROCK. Period.

In the light of all the recent bad publicity surrounding international adoption, due to a select few news stories... I'd like to take a moment, outside all of the accusations and judgements painted on international adoptions, to bring some positivity and light to the other 99%. Unfortunately, an extreme few sometimes tends to taint the whole group, when in fact, most adoptive parents are simply amazing! 

 

No, this is not about tooting my own horn. Yes, I happen to fit the title of adoptive parent... but this post is really a heart felt message for those who came before me... (with out you, there would not have been an 'adoptive me') and those who continue to knock my socks off with your desire and passion, and the work you do for the orphans of the world!! 

 

It makes me sad to see such negativity around such a beautiful thing and the fall out landing on the amazing folks known as adoptive parents. It's nonsense and needs to stop, cause quite frankly, you have earned your badge of honor.

 

 

The world needs to understand who adoptive parents are, and what you have gone through to become one.

 

You had the courage to do what many can't even imagine. You went out on that ledge and you leaped. To follow your hearts whim, when your head gave you 100 reasons not to.

 

You slaved over applications, biographies, ordered original copies of everything from your birth certificates (the long form!), to your last bank statement... and copied them all in triplicate. Thousands of pages later, many late nights and paper cuts to show for it.

 

You prayed. You fretted. Wrung your hands dry, wondering how you would ever come up with the money. You fundraised, worked weekends, had garage sales, collected bottles, counted your pennies, accessed your lines of credit and got an adoption loan.

 

You spent many sleepless nights, and crying sessions in the shower, wondering and worrying what type of trauma your baby had gone through or was currently going through, and you didn't even know their name.

 

You purchased and read every book published on adoption, attachment and trauma. You watched videos and documentaries. You know every adoption blog out there and the authors by their 'real' first names.

You learned how to use Yahoo and Google groups, and even opened up a Facebook account to better connect you to the adoption community.

 

You endured hours and hours of interviews by a social worker whom asked you personal questions like, "Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship?".

 

You cleaned your closets, top of your cupboards and scrubbed walls, to only have the social worker not even look there.

 

You drove hours to be biometrically fingerprinted to prove you are not a criminal, only to find out that you will always have to say, 'yes' (followed by an explanation - cause you now sound like a criminal!) every time the border officer asks you if you have been fingerprinted.

 

You had scans, needles and fingers prodded in personal places to prove your health.

 

You took time off work, flew or drove many miles to attend your AEP. Otherwise known as the Adoption Education Program.

 

You attended seminars about the FASD child and Attachment Parenting.

 

You decorated the baby room, collected little shoes, rain coats and hats, without the slightest clue of when they would ever be able to be put to use.

 

You stressed and worried... made repeated emails and phone calls to your agency, hoping they would submit documents on time.

 

You chased your dossier around the world via Fedex tracking like a child tracks Santa on Christmas Eve on NORAD.

 

You waited and waited and waited and waited and waited. For many of you, it was an Elephant's gestation. You learned that waiting, can be the most difficult thing to do.

 

You took up learning the birth language of your soon to be child. You started eating and learning how to make foods you couldn't even pronounce.

 

Champagne and cigars... you cried tears of joy and shouted off the mountain tops when you FINALLY got your referral.

You instantly fell in love with a child on a piece of a paper.

You stalked blogs, websites and facebook pages, trying to get a small glimpse of him/her.

 

You flew thousands of miles, across the world to meet your new child. Some of you flew several times, over a long duration of time, as the legal side of the adoption was processed.

 

Some of you uprooted your lives and moved to foreign countries to fulfill residency. You put your jobs on hold, left friends, family and pets behind to be with your little one.

 

You endured the scrutiny and questioning yet again, from a few more different departments, this time in the birth country of your child. You were asked questions like, "Is your relationship Monogamous?" and "Have you ever had more than one wife?".

 

You ran all over a foreign city, taxi hopping one place to another as you chased down documents. You pleaded with government officials and cried at the counter of the Visa issuing embassy.

 

You wiped runny noses, medicated scalp fungus, and tackled ring worm.. several times as it made it's way through your family. You scooped poop into little viles... and we all know how great parasite poo smells!

 

You learned how to braid and care for skin and hair that is so completely different from yours. You learned why night caps are so important and the wonders of coconut oil.

 

And some of you went beyond...

 

Some of you did all this on your own as a single parent.

 

Some of you intentionally made the decision to adopt the 'unadoptable'.

The child with HIV. The child with FASD. The child with Down Syndrome. The child with cleft palate. The child with conditions and birth defects that I didn't even know existed. Children that were diagnosed with death sentences and left to die. Children with such abusive, traumatic pasts that they don't even know how to love. Who does that?!

 

YOU DID THAT!

You are angels in disguise, on this earthly planet, you are.

 

You did this all why?

 

I'm sorry... but put your humble hat away. It's more than doing it to become a parent.

Sure, for some of you that is where is your story started... but then the story changed you.

 

The sacrifices. The dedication. The commitment. 

 

 You did it to save the life of  a child. You did it to give a child a family. You did it to give a child what they deserve - a better life. You did it, because if you didn't - who would? You did it out of love and compassion and you certainly wouldn't have changed a thing!

 

It wasn't easy... hell, it was probably the most difficult thing you have ever done. But it was worth it!

 

So the next time you feel like your put in a position to defend your decision to adopt continents away, a child that doesn't look like you or is considered 'special needs'; or when you feel assaulted by misjudgements, criticism and blanket statements as the negativity around international adoption escalates...

 

Remember how many people (like me!) you have inspired. How appreciated and respected you are. Remember how many lives you have changed as a result of your journey, as the effects 'ripple' on.

 

Sure, your just the same as anyone else... but with a little 'sprinkle' of amazing.

 At least give yourself that.

 

 

 

I truly believe the responsibility of the orphan lies with us all. Some of us act... and others play a supportive role. But none of it would happen with out you... the adoptive parent.

 

I want to thank you.

 

Thank you for your bravery and commitment. The fight that you fight every day... to parent children from tough places and the fight you fought to get them there.

 

Thank you.

 

Thank you for following the pain in your heart, having enough faith to let it lead you, and enough courage to follow it through.

 

You are all salt of the earth people - and I'm proud to say I know you.

 

Thank you. 

First Doctor Visit.. the ups and downs.

Zahra has always been a healthy child who sits at the 50% on the growth charts. For that we are very blessed!

We did see a doctor twice in Kenya, once for a UTI and another time to check for parasites. It is always advised that you see your family doctor upon return from Canada, but given her good health, we were able to wait until we received her health card.

Zahra's visits with the Doctor in Kenya were quite traumatic. She was absolutely terrified! Despite the fact that he was very nice and gentle, she hated every last second of it. He explained to me that many times the public, or government doctors, often process the orphanage children quickly, with little time spent trying to calm or reassure them. I don't know if this was her experience, or what type of Doctors she had previously seen, but I am sure that because they often go together, they also get each other worked up; when one cries they all figure it is a horrifying experience.

Because of this, I intentionally planned for Zahra to escort me to a Doctor's appointment this summer. She was a little nervous at first, but fine once she realized that it was Mommy being seen. She witnessed that it was a positive visit, and I did the same for a lab visit where I had my blood taken.

This made all the difference in the world! She went in to her doctor appt, happy and even excited! (I do think having a female Doctor made a bit of a difference as well!) Shockingly enough, she willing participated for the entire check up and she even responded to the Doctor when she asked her a question.

It was a great visit... and we walked out with smiles and an armload of blood/stool requisitions for all of our post 'out of country' parasite checks and a full blood analysis for Zahra. Everything from lead levels, to thyroid count was checked off. I knew this meant a lot of blood.

In the waiting room at the Lab, Zahra was bouncing around, so excited to be next. Little did she know, poor thing.

Once we were call in, I sat her on my lap in the lab chair and the ladies went to work. The rubber band tie started the tears, but she braved it with a stiff upper lip, hiding her face in Mommy's chest... until the needle poke.

 It totally sucks to watch kids go through this and not able to make it stop for them. 4 viles into it, 3 to go, and the assistant kept moving the needle, so it finally collapsed and that was the end of the show. They said they probably had enough with what they had in the other viles.

My poor little baby cried and cried, all the way through the hospital and out to the car.

We made a special stop to pick up a treat. I told her she could choose whatever she wanted. Her choice? Grilled cheese and ketchup chips! ?? I distracted her thankfully, and she decided on a freezie.

After returning home, she was happy to share with Daddy and Mister, her story, her stickers, band aid and treat. Tears dried up, she curled up with Muffin and enjoyed a Dora episode.

For adoptive families - there are blood screens that you can ask for that are markers for what current vaccinations your child has had. Rubella for example will be able to judge if your child has had the Measles/Mumps vaccine. Our doctor ordered what was available to us. Over vaccinating is not something I want to do!

Outtakes

That's a whole lot of Kaka I'm gonna be dealing with! Yikes!!

Exciting News!!

I have some great news to share with you... !

One of my hearts greatest desires while in Kenya, has come true. During our stay in Kenya, I had the opportunity to meet and get to know some of the greatest children. My heart was heavy for them as I knew they would never have the opportunity to have a forever family.

While Hannah taught me so much about Kenya and the orphan crisis, I was able to put a little seed in her heart. You see, she didn't know much about adoption, and didn't think much about it either. Could parents actually love and care for a child that isn't theirs they way they could a biological child? And what about a child of a different race?

Adoption is not as socially acceptable in Kenya as it is in other parts of the world. If a child was adopted, it was kept a secret.

It wasn't until Hannah met us and our other Canadians friends when she saw the bond and love that we shared with our children, before she realized that adoption can actually work. She believe that God has used us to open her eyes and her heart, and now she is ready to let go of the children she loves so dearly because she can see how much brighter their lives can be in a forever family.

Before I left for Kenya, I spoke with the board members of Mogra about the possibility of becoming licensed for adoption. Hannah and I visited and observed the operations of the largest Orphanage in Kenya, who has successfully adopted 1400 (as I recall, may have been more) children. They way I saw it, adoption brings about 3 benefits. First, as much as any orphanage can provide for a child, they simply cannot give a child what a forever family can. They can't give them a Mom and Dad at the dinner table, an arm to walk them down the isle, a home to go home to for the holidays... security in a place to call home and know they will forever belong and be loved... etc. In addition to this, if we are really in this business to save children, there is no better way to save more than to facilitate the ones we have to Forever Families, to make room for more children. When I was in Kenya, people were literally banging on the Mogra door pleading them to take more kids. Babies who had nowhere to go. Mogra only has so much room, and as things were with 4 babies to a crib... many children were turned down. The equation is simple then... the more children adopted out, the more children they can welcome in and literally save! As a bonus to this all, adoption will raise awareness to all the other programs they are struggling with, like the Mogra Star School and their feeding program... assisting children in the slums.

So I guess you have figured out where I am going with this?

Mogra is now licensed to adopt!

Even more exciting, they have actually just adopted out the first baby! As many of you who have been to Mogra, will know Teddy. 11 months now, Teddy is always a happy baby and one of the favorites. Teddy has been adopted by an American family who currently reside in Kenya. They are head over heels for Teddy, and from the photos, I can tell that Teddy is very much enjoying his new family!

And if you don't think God has hand in these matches, or believe in fate... Teddy's first name is the same as his adopted Father and Grandfather!

Teddy got the ball rolling, and since then, Rose (Teddy's crib mate) has also been adopted by a local Kenyan family and many other have been referred and are just waiting for their families to come to Kenya! I simply cannot tell you what a smile this puts on my face, when I think of these babies in families!

To keep up on the latest news from Mogra, please join their facebook page and help us raise awareness to the great work they are doing!

Splash! One of many firsts!

2 and over used to be considered an older adoption. Then, as adoptions became more difficult, it has slowly risen to 3 and now 4. However, most parents still request babies under 2, for reasons we all can easily understand. Mainly, because they want to experience a baby and don't want to miss out on many of those special moments in their first years.

Zahra was 26 months when we first met her. I thought that yes, I too would have preferred a 'baby'. But what I didn't expect or think about, is that I still get to experience many of her firsts. No matter what age you adopt, you will get to share in many new experiences. Everything from first grocery store shop, first ice cream, bouncy castle, sand between the toes, bubble baths, pony ride, spaghetti dinners, swimming pool... etc. Large or small, you literally are experiencing almost everything with them the first time.

You don't realize the simple daily things, until you see the wide eyed stare as she watches a playmate squirt water out of this long green hose. She goes to touch it and can't figure it out. How did he do it? Then, when you show her, she spends the next hour enamoured by this simple little thing.

Life is full of many amazing things to her. So really, other than the time that we could have been lovin on her and experiencing her own milestones, there is so much that we didn't miss out on, that I never took into consideration!

Splash Park

Her take:

Cold water spraying from every angle.

Why are the children running through this water?

Why is this fun for them?

Wait a second, there is a practical solution to this... It's an easy way to get a drink!

6 Months! Look how far you've come Baby!!

6 months it has been since you walked into our lives and hearts.

I'll never forget how scared you were, and actually, looking back at the photos I can realize now that you were even more scared than we thought, the day we first met you.

Your head recently shaved, in red corduroy overalls and blue sandals with a broken strap. You did not want to be anywhere near me. You didn't want the nannies to leave your side. Eyes so wide... you clung on to the hem of your Carer.

It wasn't until your older friends came home from school, that you found the courage to come close to me, claiming my special little toy (iphone) as your own to show off to your friends. They provided comfort to you. They were the one consistent thing in your life. For 2 years, they were always by your side.

Here are your referral photos taken by the agency's social worker.

 So scared and unsure of what was going on. The Social worker later told us that she was worried about you, because you were so unlike any other child in the orphanage. Your were quiet, reserved and scared. The other children were always all over us, seeking love and attention. You were simply protecting yourself. Our Canadian social worker says this is actually a sign of intelligence, not opening up to anyone and everyone. We know now that your hesitation and reservations were symptomatic of child who attaches very well.

Look at you now!!

So happy and confident!

Your transition has been nothing short of amazing. You once were such a frightened little girl, who disassociated (zoned out) in any new or uncomfortable experience, to now being able to express your opinions and take risks to try new things.

This was your first bath in our house. We saw this look every time we bathed you in the orphanage. This was you 'checking out'. Eyes glassy, and you would look down at your hands. You tuned everything out and would take awhile to come to. You never had a Mommy or Daddy to trust to keep you safe, so sometimes things overwhelmed you. This was your defense mechanism to protect yourself from anything that was too much to bare.  We saw this look a lot in the orphanage and in the first couple weeks your were with us.



We thought bubbles on your head may be 'fun'... you didn't even notice.

I am happy to report, that I have not seen this look for a VERY long time!

Now you LOVE your baths, and bubbles on your head.

 We took you home on October 30th, 2012. 6 days after we first met you. For 2 months, you only wanted 'Mommy'. The only interaction you wanted to have with Daddy was to allow him to wash your hands.

The first time you acknowledged Daddy. Day 3 - you took trains from his hands. He was so happy.

You now are very attached to Daddy, asking him for shoulder rides, story time, and to talk to him on the phone when he isn't home. You love Daddy very much.

You spoke very little when we first met you. A few words of Kiswhali and Kikuyo. The first word you said to me was 'We, we'. (You). You could also say 'God' in Kikuyo, and 'take' in Kiswahili. A few words would pop up here and there.... such as 'Bug' and 'Eat'. It didn't long before you started to speak English. You called your brother 'Toto' for the first few weeks... teasing him. Soon after you were calling him 'Geeya', and now 'Ceeda'. Ryley was 'Gyley' and now 'Ryley'. You called Daddy, 'Daddy' from the start, but I was always 'We We' (You. - pronounced 'Way, way'). A few weeks home, and you finally started to call me Mommy. I was so happy to hear that for the first time. You now also call me 'Mamoo' and even sometimes 'Jolene' to get my attention.

You are also starting to form sentences in broken English. The latest thing you said, made us all laugh. The wind had slammed the balcony door shut, and the key fell out on the floor. We all sat around in the living room, but you thought this was something that Daddy needed to attend to. You yelled to him from across the apartment, 'Daddy! Door - key - fell - floor. Come!'

6 months ago, you went from having a smooth, hairless head...

To having hair long enough to sport some extensions, which you love by the way!

You went from diapers...

To being fully potty trained... You don't even need diapers at night anymore! Amazing!!

Yes, I am that Mother who posts 'potty' photos.

You went from having no control in your daily fashion...

To such a big girl, who loves to express herself by dressing up - no accessories spared. You have even learned how to dress yourself! 

You have gained 4 lbs, and 2 cm's. You are learning your colours, songs, 123's and ABC's.

 Every day you amaze us in so many new ways. We love watching you blossom! We have come to learn that you are funny, you love to joke around, tease and be silly. We especially love watching you be silly.

It brings us so much happiness to know that you feel safe and secure enough to open yourself up to be vulnerable and have fun. You are no longer reserved and quiet. You love to dance, run, play and to have your picture taken. You are super helpful and love to be given small chores. If we allowed you, you would do dishes all day long.

We have all come to love you so much baby girl.

 It breaks my heart to think of you spending your first 2 years without a forever family, but I am so grateful that we have found you and that you will forever be ours.

We needed you just as much as you needed us.

You are such a blessing to us.

You have made our family complete.

Love, your Mommy, Daddy, Sister and Brother.